What Happened on Mad Monday

After the worst football season I care to remember I was keen to book a table at Dom Camillo’s yesterday and eaves-drop on my drunk, hapless and cabonara-stuffed Magpies. Pity I was struck by a massive chunk of ennui and slept through the whole day.

So it was no VB and ravioli soup for me, Sir.

Just as well the sleep was so deep because…..I had a dream.

Sunday morning, 9am and the delisted players, Tom Davidson, Andrew Williams, Brayden Shaw and Matthew Lokan are asked to meet a club psychologist at Meeting Room 4, Lexus Centre.

The shrink’s running late.

Lokan: Hehehehehehehe.
Shaw: What’s Matty reading this time?
Williams: I think it’s that Archie comic again.
Davidson: So, you guys going to that thing at Dom’s tomororrow?
Williams: Dunno.
Shaw: Yeah, no, dunno.
Lokan: Hehehehehehehe.

Blonde girl from reception (they’ve always been and always will be blonde) walks in.

Blonde Girl: Yeah, no, basically Dr Kevin’s just texted me and he’s running late. Can you all come in Tuesday?
Davidson: Fuck off, I’m off to Noosa in two hours.
Williams: Yeah, get fucked, Sharon.
Shaw: Yeah, what they said.
Lokan: Hehehehehehehe.

Priority Clubsong Rewrite

Good old Colingwood however,
We know how to throw a game.
Side by side we stick together,
To uphold the season's shame.
All the barrackers are shouting,
As sad barrackers should,
All the premiership's a cakewalk,
For good old Williamstown.

I Got Two Words For You

And they are.....

SCOTT BURNS.

Photo from the Herald Sun Match report.

What Looks Like a Duck

Smells like a duck and quacks like a duck probably is a coaching decision to:

refuse to play Nathan Buckley further up the field,
play David Fanning in the ruck for only a little over a quarter,
to quarantine Brodie Holland from his nemesis, Scott Camporeale for most of the game,
play Travis Cloke for only a fraction of the game.

Enough.

Saturday night's loss to Carlton was outrageous and an insult to 200 gamers, Scott Burns and Shane Wakelin. Sure, we were undermanned blah blah blah but if any of the decisions listed above were addressed properly the score would have been a lot closer.

Nathan Buckley openly argued with the bench. Again.

There's been too much talk about throwing games in some sort of Faustian pact with the national draft.

Fark that.

Now we're looking seriously at a wooden spoon.

We MUST beat Footscray and/or Adelaide in the next fortnight. We already sold our souls by moving out of Victoria Park.

Enough.

Magpies don't quack.

Arden Street Loves Me

North Melbourne supporters can be scary. Especially the Port Melbourne blazer wearing inbreds who stand on the flight lounge wing of the Docklands Sewerage Outlet.

And they love me.

In 2001 I was priveleged to be put on a list which appeared on a North Melbourne footy website listing "media bastards and bitches that run our club down..."

Here's what a reprobate called "Darky" reckons about me.

"The unlikliest of sources brings another contender...

Melbourne's "InPress" freebie magazine. Some turd called Glenn Peters on page 71 (2/5/01) has an absolute bitch about Carey and Pagan and how much he hates our club, in his weekly column.

Just a few hints Glenn :
1. You are not a music journalist
2. You are definietely not a sports journalist
3. Your 15 minutes of nowhere-near-fame is a weekly column stuck next to the classified ads in a free newspaper that gets picked up, scoured over for five minutes, and chucked in the bin or left on train seats. Life has passed you by, you little shit.
4. In return for your apparent hatred of Wayne Carey, you are so insignificant he will never know you are alive. How does that make you feel... hate, hate, hate and you will never get a bite back.
5. If you're gonna write for a free magazine, try Beat or MX, loser!"

Darky's being quite generous when he says Inpress gets "scoured over for five minutes." I would give the street paper two to three minutes, tops.

The Ins And Outs Tell Our Sad Story

IN: Davies, Didak, Hall, Lokan, C.Morrison
OUT: Tarrant (susp), Lonie (knee)

Five Reasons Why We Will Appeal Tarrant's Three Week Suspension

1. Tazza wants another break. Five weeks will get him over to the end of the season. Like in the old soap ad, this time "Tahiti would be nice."

2. The tribunal's outcome coincides with Thursday night's Footy Show which is in danger of a ratings schlacking by the final episode of The Amazing Race and another guest-star acting (!) appearance of You Am I's Tim Rogers on MDA.

3. The WA Anchor player deserved it.

4. Smoke and mirrors. No, I'm not talking about Malthouse distracting us over the team's bad form. Work it out.

5. The Collingwood Football Club and its fat president needs more media exposure.

My Jeff Kennett Letter In Saturday's Age

kennett, originally uploaded by glennpeters.

Enough said.