Woewodin, Williams and Williamstown: Selection By Alliteration

Australian English teachers have rejoiced in the news that Woewodin and Williams were welegated to wanking away at windy Williamstown this weekend.

Josh Fraser was also named but from what I know about knee surgery, which isn't much, he won't be playing for at least two more weeks. According to Injury update (referred to me by corkintheocean) the reason he is out is not the knee cartilage surgery itself, instead an infection developed after the surgery. A wack on a pussy sore during a ruck duel would be quite unpleasant.

The three Clokes will play together, so will a couple of Shaws. If only James Clement had a brother....

Our ex-Baghdad correspondant, McGough should play for the first time against us and will rack up a few more useful possessions than Woewodin, Williams, Lokan and Didak put together. Don't boo him. Boo the coach for not playing him enough last year and then dropping him.

Official Website of the Australian Football League

ANZAC Day Tedium 2005

By the time I got to the MCG, the whole ANZAC Day thing was giving me the shits. This year's ANZAC week was way way way over the top. Until now, the ANZAC message was simple: war is evil; respect diggers; fighting another country's war is a mug's game; and all war is evil. 2005's ANZAC Day seemed to be all about celebrating 'fallen heroes' and showing hate for anyone who dares to question Iraq, terror and myth. I wanted to yell something out during the silence like, "No more war!" but I was more interested in getting a good spot.

A Neanderthal Pies supporter behind me did yell something ANZAC when Essendon kicked their first goal. Reacting to the Mazda Zoom Zoom ad during replay, he shouts, "Fuck off Japan, this is our day!" He was wrong. It was Essendon's. We were lackluster and so was the game, so much so Rhyce Shaw was our BOG until he was knocked out halfway through the last quarter.

Richard Cole was beaten easily by a third gamer. Didak was woeful. 4 kicks, come on. Walker can't ruck. Williams can't play.

Travis Cloke played a top debut. The boy can mark, kick and has real bad hair. Yes, he excites me.

James Hird should have got 2 weeks for his bump on Wakes. The bump was premeditated, a vain attempt to put us off having blokes standing still in the holes inside their 50. Our Neanderthal mate thought the late bump was gutless and proceeded to call Hird, Carson for the rest of the game. Witty eh?

Let Misery Be Our Vice Captain

Losing Anthony for the rest of the year was almost as tragic as losing Bucks.

Last week I thought Anthony was our best on ground although not many journos and loudmouthed "experts" agreed. Well, anybody can look at a stat sheet to pick a BOG. Before his achilles snapped minutes from half time, there was no doubt who was BOG. Anthony was taking marks everywhere and had kicked three easy goals. As I’ve said before, Rocca plays best with the responsibility of being captain. Now he’s gone.

Our next skipper will most likely be James Clement, who I reckon they’re grooming for a full time role. Maybe they should give the temp job to Shane O’Bree. Eh? Lump a big bunch of responsibility on the squatter. Scare the poobits out of him. Make him respect his role at the club. More importantly, inflict the captain’s curse of the fucker.

I have a proud confession to make. At the end of the game I did something at the players’ race that should have got me beaten up by security and thrown out of the ground. If cameras caught me, I would be a blight on the game, a fugitive and a threat to all the mums and dads out there trying so hard to bring their children up in this big and mean old world. I didn’t spit. I didn’t even swear. I yelled at Rhys Shaw. Nothing unusual there, but this is what I yelled. “Top game, Shaw. You really put in and never gave up. Good work.”

Rhys didn’t look up, probably thinking I was being sarcastic. I wasn’t.

He really did have a good game.

Like 4032 Corks in the Ocean

If the blubbering old twit you're caring for is into the West Coast Eagles, read him the Eagles blog, corkintheocean. But reading corkintheocean's match reports may take awhile. This week's review of the game against the W.A Anchors clocked in at 4032 words.

Lucky the site's writer, Carneagles, is a funny bugger. Here's a taste.

"Of course, this was the 21st Western Derby, and the organizers have started to follow the example of our cousins in Murder City by calling it "Derby XI", the dicks.... I had a listen to 6PR on Saturday morning, and the biggest issue for George seemed to be whether to pronounce it "derrrby" or "daaahby" - the correct pronunciation is, of course, "whogivesafuck" - and if you listened carefully, you could just hear in the background the faint rasping noise of the bottom of a barrel being scraped."

corkintheocean

The Football Quote Of The Year

"I just think people expect things to go against me, so it didn't really faze me. Over the years everything's pretty much gone against me, so I thought a couple of free kicks wasn't that much of a big deal." Rhys Shaw gives it all away.

Sure, I listed this in the previous post but Shaw's admission is so good it had to have its own.

Chris Tarrant in 5 Straight Goal Shock

Yeah, I can't believe it either. The only bloke in the history of football who kicks with a slice (right to left off the left foot), kicked it through the big ones 5 times. Alright, I think he did kick one out on the full and a couple short but wa-hey, 5 goals. And he took marks! Incredible.

Even more impressive was our caretaker skipper, Anthony Rocca's game. I'm not joking but I may be dreaming. It was his best game in about 18 months. He took marks and lived up to the attention he usually gets from opposition coaches. When he was at half forward it was like watching the Pied Piper, there were so many spoilers following him. As he was getting used to the attention, he was put on the ball/token ruck and really got in amongst it, bursting packs, bumping, punching, tackling and tickling. Great to watch.

Other better players included: Brodie Holland resuming his lovers' tiff with Camporearslick; Licca, who got 35 million hard possessions; our superb backline of Clement, Wakes and Presti; Chad Morrison, at last a Chad who can play; and Rhys Shaw. Yes Rhys Shaw. Sure, he kicked it outta bounds on the full three times in a couple of minutes but at least he GETS THE BALL.

And you gotta love what he told the Herald Sun when asked about his kicking out on the full and giving away some frees.

"I just think people expect things to go against me, so it didn't really faze me. Over the years everything's pretty much gone against me, so I thought a couple of free kicks wasn't that much of a big deal."

Sounds a lot like my career-path.

Fat President Blames Squatters. We Wonder Why They Haven't Already Been Delisted

According to The Age, our fat president has blamed the poor state of the club's former home, Victoria Park, on squatters and drug addicts.

Mayor Kay Meadows said "if it was being used as a shooting gallery or by squatters... then it was Collingwood's responsibility under the lease to maintain the site". Duh.

Here at Victoria Park we exclusively name the aforementioned squatters. They are Shane O'Bree, Ryan Lonie, Matthew Lokan, Heath Shaw, Dane Swan and of course, Andrew Williams. No reason has been given as to why these players weren't served their eviction notices at the end of last season.

Fat president blames squatters - National - www.theage.com.au

Ins & Outs

For this week.

In: Nick Maxwell. Can play will be lucky to be on the ground for more than half the game.
Out: Ryan Lonie. About time. Could he be the next Mark Fraser?

You’ll Never Get a Sheepdog to Work if He Sleeps On a Mat.

How embarrassing. We got plenty of the ball yesterday but our kicking was dreadful. Would that have anything to do with training at the new state-of-the-art training precinct? I thought so. Both Dicksons thought so. Janes thought so. Tone thought so. The loud Italian girl, her dad and brothers in front of us thought so.

And Rex Hunt thought so too. On the radio after the game he told us a lot about keeping sheepdogs and the problems at Collingwood. You see, as the title of this post points out, a sheepdog is useless unless you have it sleeping outside, in the weather and on the dirt. Lay out carpet for him and Fido gets lazy and forgets about the simple skills needed to get those farkin’ ewes in the yard.

Many of our players, apart from playing like bitches, have it too easy at the sterile training centre. The showers are hot, the training’s virtual and solarium’s toasty. Get out there on a footy field and kick a ball fellas! Taz missed a sitter banana kick which should have won the game for us. The exact kick everyone who has ever lovingly fondled a Tommy has kicked thousands of times with mates at the local park.

Today, I’m embarrassed to be a Collingwood member.

Our Footy Club Neglets Its Mecca

Our Footy Club Neglets Its Mecca
Originally uploaded by glennpeters.

From The Age: "Collingwood Football Club left a damage bill of $10.7 million when in vacated its former home at Victoria Park in Abbotsford this week, according to the City of Yarra."

Just shows our president and his minions really hate Victoria Park.

Full article.