Victoria Park

Shock Newspaper Study Revelations: Some Footy Fans Drink Before Going To The Footy

2007-09-11T00:26:00.000+10:00

In a Walkely Award deserving triumph of investigative journalism, the Herald Sun found that two out of three fans had drunk alcohol before the glorious game at the MCG on Saturday night.

One third of the 60 tested registered a blood alcohol reading that exceeded the 0.05 legal driving limit with the highest reading of 0.164.

Of course the paper enlisted an outraged, dial-a-quote-academic, Melbourne Uni's professor of global health, Rob Moodie.

"(The statistics) show the ubiquity of alcohol in our society and the fact that it's getting worse rather than better," he said.

"I'm a little surprised by it, that people need to be fuelled up to go to the footy."

Aw, fuck off.

We don't 'need' to be 'fuelled up' to go to the footy. We just prefer it.

But the professor gets even more stupidistic.

"The social culture of the footy is something we want to keep. That's why venues need processes about how they sell and distribute alcohol.
"You want to keep your alcohol consumption moderate so you can remember the game and enjoy it."

The paper would have got themselves a bigger scoop if they tested fans on the way out of the ground as it was almost impossible to get a full strength beer at the ground on the night.

The little members bar we usually get a cheeky Melbourne stubbie at half time was only serving mid-strength out of the one tap.

As charming as young Claudia, the girl who was pouring the beers was, she couldn't keep up with the demand of a queue running out the door into the next bar.

The biggest outrage is not that fans drink somewhere else before the game. No wonder they do. Instead the scandal is that if the game is on at night adults can't be trusted to drink full strength beer while watching the game.

Enough of the paternalistic, greedy (mid-strength costs the same as full) and class bias (While the public and season ticket holders have no access to it, members get full strength at their own bars and corporate box whores get to drink all the bogue piss they can handle).

This class bias is the most despicable.

Luckily democracy, justice and common sense is championed by Don Owen, 28, of Mooroolbark, who was pleased with his 0.098 reading, which he described as "grouse".

"You've got to be good at something."

Cheers, Don!

Don't Cock It Up Fellas!

2007-03-26T14:14:00.000+10:00

Life resumes this weekend.

And a big welcome from the the wittier folks at the Collingwood outer to exciting new recruits....

Brad Dick

Shannon Cox

and drum roll please.....

TYSON GOLDSACK!

Hair Enough

2006-12-04T15:11:00.000+11:00

So I'm reflecting on the previous night on the turps with a mate and she tells me of the raving reviews she got on her fresh new haircut.

"Nick said he liked it, saying my hair reminded him of Twiggy and Jeff said it was quite a bit like a Beatles cut."

My reply...

"Yeah, it's like your hair is taking people's minds back to the things they really love in their life. Come to think of it, your new cut does remind me a little bit of Peter Daicos."

Photo from the brilliant WCE blog, Corkintheocean.

Taz Gone

2006-12-04T15:04:00.000+11:00

I'm too gutted to talk about it.

The World's Only Accepable Personalised Number Plate

2006-09-12T18:40:00.000+10:00

As seen parked at the footy last week.

My Jamie Turnover Embarassment

2006-09-11T10:39:00.000+10:00

Last night at the pub after the game one of me mates ran to our group real excited because ex Collingwood hack, Jamie Turner was sitting in the other bar.

"All's not lost cos Jamie Turnover's here!"

Much excited banter follows.

Five minutes later I'm off to the toilet and me mate walks past as I'm opening the door to get in.

"I shout to him. Can't believe fucken Jamie Turnover is here!"

Guess who glances back at me from the urinals as I approach.

Yes.

"Hi."

"Hi," I reply.

On Beating Carlton

2006-08-28T13:45:00.000+10:00

Um. I feel good. Don't care where they were on the ladder. We won the game and won the fight. I just feel good. Really good.

Hot Pies.

Lay Off Our Taz For Chris-Sakes!

2006-08-08T12:10:00.000+10:00

I'm so sick of this obsessive bloodlust for Chris Tarrant right now. Even before last week's certain maritime themed nightclub incident, Taz was being blamed for everything from our so-so form to the war in Lebanon.

And it's getting much worse.

I woke Sunday morning drained by Saturday night's incredible game against Adelaide. It was intense, modern and intelligent football. As Kinky Friedman would say, the game was like Johnny Cash in 1958. Dangerous. Neither side gave anything inside their own backlines. Every kick and tackle so calculated. Not even livewires like DT and Didak could break free.

Well, that was the game I watched.

Not the Herald Sun's "Here's one we prepared earlier," front page headline teaser, FROM BAD TO WORSE: Another Shocking Night For Tarrant. Funny how there wasn't an article to go with the headline....

Taz played a pretty good game. There were only about four contested marks taken in either forward line all night. It was tough out there yet the dweeby lookin' John Ralph begrudges Taz's "only" 14 touches because most were taken "well up the field." No wonder Malthouse gets angry with these blokes.

But the worse example of blind Taz dissing appears in this mindless dirge by the Herald Sun and Fox Sports website's Mark Robinson.

"In a way, it was spooky when Tarrant had the ball, 53 metres out, 29 minutes gone, final quarter, his team down by five points.

Of all the people."

I'll leave his next flat and godawful similie out and jump to one of the most ridiculous and apallingly out of touch arguments ever attempted in football journalism.

"That he couldn't nail the goal was deflating. That he didn't man up at 30min 50sec, when Nathan Bassett got the ball, or at 31min 13sec, when Graham Johncock got the ball, and at 31min 36sec, when Johncock got it again, was even more so.

In two minutes, Tarrant had the chance to make a defiant statement.

He didn't.

The goal was difficult. Allowing his man to mark the ball three times in the dying minutes was infuriating.

Much like his off-field antics, you can forgive him once, maybe twice, but a third time? It's more than a coincidence."

Yes, that's right. Robinson is blaming Taz for not manning up while Adelaide were kicking backwards in the game's final minutes. He blames nobody else, only Chris Tarrant. An atrocious, vindictive and amateurish piece of analysis.

If you hadn't noticed, footy's got a little more complex than 'manning up' in the past 10 years. Taz was probably doing what he's told to do in his situation, sticking to a little midfield area (zoning up if you need it spelled out), ready to intercept a pass or more importantly, ready to pounce to our forward line if one of his team mates intercept. It's a tough concept to brain out but if everyone played on their men in that situation, a Crows player could easily, with the help of a block infield, break through to the middle of the ground and bang in another quick goal.

And how do we know Tarrant wasn't already manning up on another Crows player?

Materazzi, Millane, Pedro And Me

2006-07-13T00:11:00.000+10:00

I love Marco Materazzi. He has Darren Millane's skill and balls, Craig Kelly's niggle and my very own good looks. Actually he does remind me a lot of myself on the football field.

Opposition crowds loved me. They would make interesting observations about my long hair while I would answer by taking out their lairish players, not for a pleasant night of pasta and an Italian short film, but by a late bump or a tad stronger than needed tackle.

My first "hit" was served in the final round of the under 12's Sydney football season. We, Forest Lions, were up against glamour and money club, St Ives. Can't quite remember his name but I think he was of South American origin (We'll call him Pedro), was cutting us up through the centre. At half time the coach took me aside.

"Glenny, I need you to sort this Pedro guy out. He's being too much of a lair. I want you to niggle him just like you did to that St George kid last week. Give him the sh1ts. Tackle him hard."

I did exactly that. Seven minutes intot he quarter I tackled Pedro so hard to the ground, I broke the poor kid's right arm. Legally, of course.

A proud moment.

We got beaten by the same team in the preliminary final by two points.

The next week, word had spread around the competition about my tackle. We were up against Pittwater and I tackled one of their stars. This wasn't premeditated. It wasn't even a hard tackle but, in front of the opposition crowd, he pinned me to the ground and started punching. Somehow I managed to flip and defend.

The umpire pulled us apart and announced mine was a fair tackle and sent the Pittwater player off. I announced the Pittwater player was a c*nt and I was sent off. The opposition fans and I then exchanged pleasantries.

Dad didn't see too much of it because he was goal umpiring up the other end. Mum missed it completely because as the club's Social Secretary, she was busy running a cake stall when it happened.

I'd love to sample Marco Materazzi's mum's cakes. I've heard her tiramisu is to die for.

Old People Are Ace!

2006-07-03T16:50:00.000+10:00

Sitting in the rain watching the Pies being killed reminded me of the olden days at VFL Park.

Glorious.

It's comforting to wallow in the muck knowing Terry Wallace's dirty Tigers will only win one or two more games for the rest of the year. Such things never change. And surely Collingwood won't put on another effort like that in my lifetime.

Why am I so relaxed about yesterday's poo?

Two beautiful acts.

Act 1. Tom Hafey's 774 radio interview before the game. Tom loves reunions. He was talking up how he puts on an annual barbeque for all the 131 players he's ever coached. Tom lives for reunions. A couple of months ago he was invited to Denis Banks' house for dinner. Reckons it was one of the proudest nights in his life because Denis has grown to become such a marvellous person. Tom lives for this stuff. Then he tells us how he calls Peter Daicos fortnightly and that Daics is one of the most fantastic people you can meet. Agreed, Tom. He also loves it when players invite him to their weddings. What a nice bloke.

You're invited to my wedding, Tommy. First I gotta meet some girly up for it but when I do you're first on my list.

My next invite will go to the lady who made Act 2 so special. Half time in the Buntyn Dining Room, me and my usual bunch of irregulars are sitting at a table, gobsmacked at the Pies' rubbish first half. Not much going on until an ancient lady from the table next to us, wearing Swans and Pies colours OFFERS US HER TABLE'S BIG PLATE OF PARTY PIES AND SAUSAGE ROLLS! Her family weren't up for them and she didn't want them to go wasted.

Shocked and charmed, we couldn't refuse.

A few minutes later after the pies were demolished (the Pies we'd come to see were demolished a quarter and a half earlier), the Sydney/Collingwood supporting (yes, who cares) ancient lady GAVE US HER SCONES, JAM AND CREAM!

What a delightful lady!

Nick Davis Still Soft

2006-06-27T12:38:00.000+10:00

Loved seeing Bucks get into Nick Davis on Saturday night for ducking his head. Longtime readers will know of my hate for the little prick.

When asked about it, Bucks told The Age:

"There's a lot of mud that's thrown out on the footy field and it only hurts when it sticks, and that's up to the individual that's receiving it how they handle that."
"I get sledged every week and I got sledged on Saturday night for a similar call, but it's how you react to it."

The Age also pointed out:

"Barry Hall sledged Buckley after he also dropped a mark soon after the Davis incident. Buckley continued to have an impact on the game despite Hall's verbal attacks. Davis, however, did not."

Good to see others noticing that Davis can't take the shit talk he so often gives out.

Rex's Secret Flashin'

2006-06-21T12:18:00.000+10:00

Here's the highlights typed straight from my mum's copy of New Idea.

The Rex I'd see in the alleyway was like an excited 13-year-old.

Rex was a perfect gentleman. He would hold my hand, buy me flowers and talk.

"Rex is an exhibitionist," Robyn explains. And she admits he has a kinky side. "Rex was almost caught once about five years ago in a public place naked as a jaybird. A motorist caught him in full force with the headlights of his car. I had on this fluffy leopard print coat and Rex hid behind me and said: "If he asksyou, deny everything!"

As Robyn explains it, she would always be clothed, but Rex would have flung off his clothes by the end of their encounter so he was starkers.

He'd hold her chin so she did not avert her gaze.

"I was to look him straight in the eye and to breathe on him. I would tell him he was wonderful. Then he would work himself to a stae of excitement shouting: "Oh my God, you're going to kill me. You're going to give me a heart attack!"

A Boy And His Footballing Alpaca

2006-06-05T21:16:00.000+10:00

I know I've posted this already at The Nightwatchan but I can't get enough of 8 year old Rory Matthews and Chicky, his footballing alpaca.

My friends are worried to the point of being told I've "clearly gone insane" with my excitement for this story. They could be right.

Rory's first game against humans since he made front page news was covered on all the channels' TV news last night.

Chicky watched the game from inside the family car parked behind the goalposts. At half time Rory guzzled water from a huge water bottle. Chicky had milk.

When asked what position Chicky would play if he could, Rory matter of factly stated that due to his strong tackling muscle, Chicky would play the backline, somewhere between centre half back and full back.

Strangely Jet, the border collie, Hamlet, the minature pig and Lu Lu the cockatoo were snubbed by television reporters last night.

Earlier this week Rory's dad told The Daily Telegraph:

"Because he's such a small guy, when he first started playing he was too much of a gentleman and would let everyone else get the ball, so I just threw Chicky out there one day when he was kicking because Chicky has an attitude, and it just started from there.
Now Rory is a tackling tiger. He is a fierce tackler on the field now."

Photos from The Daily Telegraph.

Boycott The "Inevitable"

2006-06-01T13:22:00.000+10:00

So I wake this morning to read Channel Seven are pushing to have a night grand final next year. The AFL deny an approach by Seven and say they won't budge on staying with the day final. Shithouse ex-footballer and even more inept politician, Justin Madden reckons a night grand final is inevitable. Our fat president said the same last year.

Inevitable.

Big word, that. It's time for fans and columnists to strike back with a bigger word.

Boycott.

Boycott every every person and everything they peddle who utters the word. Channel Seven? No Mel & Coshie. Fat President? No McDonalds. Justin Madden? Tough call, but vote Liberal next election. That's how dire a night grand final is. If Justin Madden welcomes a night grand final, I'm voting Liberal next year.

More reason to detest Channel Bruce is the report they are about to strike a deal with Foxtel which will mean only half of the weekends' games will be seen on free to air television.

The Best Herald Sun Headline In Years

2006-05-22T13:07:00.000+10:00

The Best Herald Sun Headline In Years, originally uploaded by glennpeters.

Pure subediting genius.

We Should Fight The 2002 Grand Final In The Courts

2006-05-03T18:41:00.000+10:00

Now that the AFL reckon it's okay to change results after the game there's no reason why we shouldn't contest 2002. Anthony Rocca kicked a goal which was called a point. On replay it's clearly a goal.

The difference would have won us the grand final.

I'll see you in court!

Timekeepers Shlimekeepers

2006-05-03T15:40:00.000+10:00

Last year I argued that AFL Season 2005 should be VOID because in our game against Sydney the timekeeper robbed us of 14 seconds from the last quarter.

When a similar thing happened last weekend in the game between The WA Anchors and Boo For StKilda I didn't give a rat's arse.

You see, I don't care for what happens to other teams in the competition. I only watch and read about Collingwood. Ask me what I think of your team's chance in the game next week and I will say something polite like, 'Gee I dunno, could be a close one.'

Ask me about what I think of your new Rising Star nominee and you'll get me talking up Heath Shaw and Dale Thomas .

Could watch Dale Thomas play all day. Love the guy. Grant Thomas? Reminds me of all the shitty fat bosses I've ever had. Can't stand the bloke.

The World's Biggest Winners

2006-04-19T15:01:00.000+10:00

This week a few of us went to the AWB Kickbackwards Dome's nightclub, The Locker Room for a bit of post game gloating. After a 12 goal win it seemed the most sensible thing to do.

To get in we had to struggle through the throngs of Joffa hanger-ons singing his songs outside. Nerds and reprobates the lot of them. Love Collingwood and all but fark, I'm so over Joffa and his disturbed lookin' mates. Watching them celebrate a win is like being let into a band camp (as in there was this one time at band camp) five year reunion. Tedious as all fark.

But when it comes to disturbance, Joffa's brood has nothing on the clientel at The Locker Room. More on that in a second.

First we gotta realise The Locker Room is a nightclub in a football stadium. I'll repeat it. A nightclub in a football stadium.

Bad disco, Coogar Girls (yes, they do exist) and a hundred televisions playing the footy replay is a mixed up little paradise. The occasion is punctuated by the DJ sparking up the winning team's club song every twenty minutes. If he slackens off, the patrons start off their own rendition, over the top of Madonna's Ray Of Light.

Now for the clientel. I have an extremely good looking, intelligent and funny mate who met a longtime girlfriend half time during a Collingwood game at The Locker Room. The next time I see him I'm going to throttle him.

How could you meet the potential love of your life at the fricken Locker Room? One of our group discretely whispered to me, "The girls here are.... ahem.... a bit plain aren't they?" And the guys were at best portly but on the most part gobsmackingly enormous.

At least they loved singing Good Old Collingwood Forever and what the heck, each one of the humungous, official clubwear wearing pissheads is part of my brood.

I'm off to the bar. Anyone want another Coogar? Two pies, hotdog and chips perhaps?

Destined To A Life Of Pungent Pizza

2006-04-12T11:35:00.000+10:00

In an act of one part star spotting and the other pure voodoo, me and a mate thought we'd go to Anthony and Sav Rocca's Carlton pizza restaurant and order takeaway last weekend.

Mark's Place is one of those "family" pizza restaurants. Chunky pine tables, kids menus, balloons, toys hanging from the roof, crayon coloured in pictures and plenty of second rate football parephenalia hanging on the walls.

Don Camillos it aint.

We didn't order the impressive looking Rocca's Rump or Pebbles' Porterhouse from the menu. Instead, went for a half hairy fish/half triple chili pizza.

The chili pizza was very hot, the hottest I've experienced in my long pizza history and the hairy fish was hairy as you want it to be. But there was a problem.

The pizza was incredibly pungent.

My poor old car, The Funbird Mk II still reeks of old pizza and it took three days to get rid of the unpleasant pizza aftertaste. The pizza odour coming from my pores during the next morning shower wasn't the only uncomfortable excretion experienced.

On the following Sunday, Anthony kicked eight straight goals in a stunning win against the Poos & Wees.

Shit. It was because of our visit to Anthony's pizza house, he kicked those eight goals. Had nothing to do with the dud kid who was on him or even the Pies' excellent kicking to the big man. Rocca's success was completely due to those stinking pizzas.

For the good of the club I have to eat from there every week.

I'm not sure my stomach will take it.

Is There A Doctor In The House?

2006-04-06T16:40:00.000+10:00

Our first loss to Adelaide was irritating but I'm not ready to cake on the losing lotion just yet. Adelaide were surgical. They were technical. They were scientific. They were precisionistic. They were doctory. They were.... I've run out of the stoopid hospital words to describe them.

So have the newspapers.

Round one of every season, teams play fast and fit. Especially at the ...what are we going to call it this year? Viatel Stadium? The AWB Kickbackwards Grain Silo? Don't know.

Fresh teams like Adelaide are fast indoors. Get them out in the wind and the rain outside at the MCG (do they have the pleasure of playing there this year?) and they're kanoodling nobodies. The Pies looked best when they ran hard and loose. Sure, watching our kooky brand of footy was like watching the General Lee scamper from Boss Hog and his minions but who cares. I want Daisy Duke to pop out midway through the third quarter and kick a few. Was that you, Taz?

Down a gear. I liked our football on Monday.

I liked Dale Thomas' hair and pluck. I liked his interview with Dermott Bereton on the radio afterwards better. "Yeah, no, yeah, no. I guess if I can't run through those older fellas, I may as well jump over them."

Yeah, no, yeah, no, yeah.

Yeeee ha!

Happy New Year!

2006-03-31T17:02:00.000+11:00

Bugger the Commonwealth Games.

Stuff the cricket.

Football season is here.

Life starts over.

Wanna Be In My Dream Team League?

2006-03-21T15:27:00.000+11:00

I've started a league in the AFL's Dream Team fantasy footy competition. Of course I've decided to give it a catchy name, the VPFL, and maybe report results on this very website every now and then.

Victoria Park readers are real welcome to join. Just register at the Dream Team site and opt to join up under, LEAGUE CODE - 759042.

Another Reason Why We Shouldn't Respect The Sydney Swans

2006-02-28T12:44:00.000+11:00

Even though we had a win on the weekend, I'm not going to give the pre-season competition any respect. Footy shouldn't start before the Sheffield Shield ends. It's still summer for frig's sake.

Anyway, check out what Paul Roos told The Age yesterday.

"It was a bit like the old prior opportunity had returned. Last year, I remember we were saying to our players: 'Look, it's going to be red-hot, you might be better off standing back and sweating on your opponent."

Exactly what we all suspected.

Tom Davidson Still Training With The Pies

2005-11-24T12:47:00.000+11:00

Even though we delisted him at the end of the season and other clubs have offered to have him train with them, Tom Davidson told The Age yesterday he's spent post season training with us and is hopeful he may be picked up in Saturday's draft.

Davidson is only 22 and young enough to be picked up as a rookie.

Here's more of what he told The Age...
"(Being delisted) shook me up a bit. It's not something I wanted but it might be something I needed. I am looking at it as a fresh start; I am trying to be confident about it. I do feel like I have been robbed a bit."

"It has all gone a bit pear-shaped since that pre-season I did my first knee. I haven't really got my body good enough or fit enough until now. This is the first pre-season I have been able to be running and doing every session."

"I haven't lost any pace. We have a fitness test on Wednesday, so that will be good because I haven't been able to do some testing for a while, but I think I have been running the same sort of times."
Reading between the lines, I reckon he's going to play with us next year. You have to admire his persistance after injury and willingness to continue training with the Pies after being delisted.

Richard Cole Shot Back To The Scene Of His Decline

2005-10-06T00:19:00.000+10:00

As I've said before, Richard Cole's career at Collingwood ended at this year's ANZAC Day game. He was given a thorough towelling by his third gamer opponent, Somebody Lovett-Murray. The hyphenated Essendon player won the ANZAC Day Medal and rarely played a good game for the rest of the year.

Cole wasn't given a game since.

We've just traded Cole for pick 23 in the draft, a pick which we'll probably swap with St Kevins Old Boys for Steve McKee and Simon Garlick who we will in turn swap with Sydney for Darren Cresswell, John Ironmonger and one of Oxford Street's more boutique-ish Chai Tea establishmentss.

We really shine on draft week.

My Grand Final Joke

2005-09-23T13:29:00.000+10:00

I was in the bank today and there were footy streamers and flags all over the place.

While cashing a cheque I ask the teller, "So, what are you doing for the Granny?"

Teller replies, "Dunno. If she doesn't leave soon, we're calling in Social Services."

I crack me up.

Woewodin Delisted And Dreaming

2005-09-22T13:02:00.000+10:00

On hearing of his sacking on the television news, Shane Slow-wodin told Fox News, "I just want to play senior footy."

Slow-wodin wants to go back to The Melbourne Club and reckons he's still got a lot to offer.

"Everyone questions age and pace, it's just a perception."

"I've played for nine years and never been a quick player, and I've achieved what I've achieved without the pace.

"I think it's great to have . . . there's no doubt, to be able to be explosive and run the lines and carry the footy.

And get this.

"But it's also a bonus to be able to get the footy, and I just think it (pace) is overrated at times."

Leg speed was never Slowy's problem.

You call it poor decision making.

I call it derrrrrfred.

When he got the footy, time slowed and if you listened carefully you could hear his excruciating decision making process.

"Ahhh. I got da ball. Clokey's over there. Where's da Bucks? Where's Licca? Who's got da ball? I got da ball. Ball. Ball. Ball. Where's Clokey? Ahhh. Bucks over there. Kick it? To you? To me? Knowing me, knowing you ah hah... There is nothing we can do. Knowing me, knowing you ah hah..."

And in a style reminiscent to Gough Whitlam's It's Time election campaign, Slow-wodin has already started lobbying to get re-signed with The Melbourne Club.

"It's a club I love. I've had some wonderful memories there and it would be great to go back, there's no doubt about that."

"It's whether or not I fit into their structure. I know the boys are pumping for me and want to get me back."

How sad.

Photo from gayfooty.com.au (Your one stop queer football resource).

Nick Davis....We've Seen It All Before

2005-09-12T16:19:00.000+10:00

Nick Davis is a cockhead.

Back in 2002 he kicked a couple of goals in the last quarter to get us into the Grand Final. Great, bring out the laurel wreath and all.

Then in the Grand Final he played a shocker.

Choked.

Dissappeared up his own arse.

Shat himself.

Day after the Grand Final I'm at the Victoria Park wake. Players looking devestated except.... "Who's that cockhead up there on the stage in the backwards baseball cap, basketball singlet and stoopid arse smile?"

Nick Davis.

What's he doing? Laughing, joking and cheering when coach announces there's no training for a month.

I've heard we traded him because his team mates thought he was a pain in the arse and that some personal differences with one or two of our stars had become too hard to manage.

I would have thrown him out for acting like a goose while we were fighting back tears at Victoria Park on that awful Sunday afternoon.

If Sydney do make the Grand Final this year just watch him soil himself.

Can't stand the bloke.

Brodie Holland On Dancing With The Stars

2005-09-06T21:26:00.000+10:00

Can September get any worse? I'm sure it will.

What Happened on Mad Monday

2005-08-30T18:22:00.000+10:00

After the worst football season I care to remember I was keen to book a table at Dom Camillo’s yesterday and eaves-drop on my drunk, hapless and cabonara-stuffed Magpies. Pity I was struck by a massive chunk of ennui and slept through the whole day.

So it was no VB and ravioli soup for me, Sir.

Just as well the sleep was so deep because…..I had a dream.

Sunday morning, 9am and the delisted players, Tom Davidson, Andrew Williams, Brayden Shaw and Matthew Lokan are asked to meet a club psychologist at Meeting Room 4, Lexus Centre.

The shrink’s running late.

Lokan: Hehehehehehehe.
Shaw: What’s Matty reading this time?
Williams: I think it’s that Archie comic again.
Davidson: So, you guys going to that thing at Dom’s tomororrow?
Williams: Dunno.
Shaw: Yeah, no, dunno.
Lokan: Hehehehehehehe.

Blonde girl from reception (they’ve always been and always will be blonde) walks in.

Blonde Girl: Yeah, no, basically Dr Kevin’s just texted me and he’s running late. Can you all come in Tuesday?
Davidson: Fuck off, I’m off to Noosa in two hours.
Williams: Yeah, get fucked, Sharon.
Shaw: Yeah, what they said.
Lokan: Hehehehehehehe.

Priority Clubsong Rewrite

2005-08-22T16:49:00.000+10:00

Good old Colingwood however,
We know how to throw a game.
Side by side we stick together,
To uphold the season's shame.
All the barrackers are shouting,
As sad barrackers should,
All the premiership's a cakewalk,
For good old Williamstown.

I Got Two Words For You

2005-08-22T12:27:00.000+10:00

And they are.....

SCOTT BURNS.

Photo from the Herald Sun Match report.

What Looks Like a Duck

2005-08-15T00:26:00.000+10:00

Smells like a duck and quacks like a duck probably is a coaching decision to:

refuse to play Nathan Buckley further up the field,
play David Fanning in the ruck for only a little over a quarter,
to quarantine Brodie Holland from his nemesis, Scott Camporeale for most of the game,
play Travis Cloke for only a fraction of the game.

Enough.

Saturday night's loss to Carlton was outrageous and an insult to 200 gamers, Scott Burns and Shane Wakelin. Sure, we were undermanned blah blah blah but if any of the decisions listed above were addressed properly the score would have been a lot closer.

Nathan Buckley openly argued with the bench. Again.

There's been too much talk about throwing games in some sort of Faustian pact with the national draft.

Fark that.

Now we're looking seriously at a wooden spoon.

We MUST beat Footscray and/or Adelaide in the next fortnight. We already sold our souls by moving out of Victoria Park.

Enough.

Magpies don't quack.

Arden Street Loves Me

2005-08-05T11:45:00.000+10:00

North Melbourne supporters can be scary. Especially the Port Melbourne blazer wearing inbreds who stand on the flight lounge wing of the Docklands Sewerage Outlet.

And they love me.

In 2001 I was priveleged to be put on a list which appeared on a North Melbourne footy website listing "media bastards and bitches that run our club down..."

Here's what a reprobate called "Darky" reckons about me.
"The unlikliest of sources brings another contender...

Melbourne's "InPress" freebie magazine. Some turd called Glenn Peters on page 71 (2/5/01) has an absolute bitch about Carey and Pagan and how much he hates our club, in his weekly column.

Just a few hints Glenn :
1. You are not a music journalist
2. You are definietely not a sports journalist
3. Your 15 minutes of nowhere-near-fame is a weekly column stuck next to the classified ads in a free newspaper that gets picked up, scoured over for five minutes, and chucked in the bin or left on train seats. Life has passed you by, you little shit.
4. In return for your apparent hatred of Wayne Carey, you are so insignificant he will never know you are alive. How does that make you feel... hate, hate, hate and you will never get a bite back.
5. If you're gonna write for a free magazine, try Beat or MX, loser!"
Darky's being quite generous when he says Inpress gets "scoured over for five minutes." I would give the street paper two to three minutes, tops.

The Ins And Outs Tell Our Sad Story

2005-08-05T11:27:00.000+10:00

IN: Davies, Didak, Hall, Lokan, C.Morrison
OUT: Tarrant (susp), Lonie (knee)

Five Reasons Why We Will Appeal Tarrant's Three Week Suspension

2005-08-01T19:52:00.000+10:00

1. Tazza wants another break. Five weeks will get him over to the end of the season. Like in the old soap ad, this time "Tahiti would be nice."

2. The tribunal's outcome coincides with Thursday night's Footy Show which is in danger of a ratings schlacking by the final episode of The Amazing Race and another guest-star acting (!) appearance of You Am I's Tim Rogers on MDA.

3. The WA Anchor player deserved it.

4. Smoke and mirrors. No, I'm not talking about Malthouse distracting us over the team's bad form. Work it out.

5. The Collingwood Football Club and its fat president needs more media exposure.

My Jeff Kennett Letter In Saturday's Age

2005-08-01T16:28:00.000+10:00

kennett, originally uploaded by glennpeters.

Enough said.

The Poos & Wees to be Jeffed

2005-07-28T14:55:00.000+10:00

For Jeff Kennett to be President of the Hawthorn Football Club and also head of a depression organisation would surely be a conflict of interest.

Kennett's commandos - News - www.realfooty.com.au

What You Didn't Read In The Papers: Buckley Wanted Tarrant Dragged

2005-07-20T11:38:00.000+10:00

There was a lot of talk in the papers and radio last week about Chris Tarrant's trip to Byron Bay and his pathetic efforts during Friday's loss to Essendon.

But nobody noticed the bigger story.

During the game Nathan Buckley reacted to one of Tazza's piss-poor efforts by yelling out to the bench from 50 meters away, demanding they "FARKING DRAG TARRANT!"

But why didn't the cameras or radio boundary riders catch future Captain/Coach Nathan Buckley's outrage?

Word is, from a trusted mate who was sitting behind the bench, Bucks went on with this for over a minute and that shocked fans even applauded Buckley's display.

David Fanning Basketball Myth Debunked or What is it With Me and Pies' Players' Families?

2005-07-16T18:59:00.000+10:00

After the game at a mate's house we were talking about our bemusing loss to Essendon. I was telling those not bored enough to listen that at the game a well dressed but dangerous looking bloke behind us was going overthetop to weirdo-like gaga over David Fanning's previous basketball career.

He didn't like reports that the young ruckman was new to footy and some rumours that he only learnt to kick a footy a year or two ago. Anyway, the thug received the friendly tap on the shoulder and end of story. But why was he so mad about a seven gamer? Who knows.

Two minutes, yes 120 seconds after telling the story in walks in a housemate and his girlfriend.

Get this.

Housemate's girly turns out to be David Fanning's sister.

After getting over the co-inkydinks of my thug story I had to ask some questions.

Is the big DF so new to the game and when did he learn to kick?

No. He played footy all through primary and high school, representing the state in junior footy until he was drafted to play a couple of seasons for a pro basketball team in Qld. All through his basketball years, not a week went by without at least a game of kick to kick with mates.

He loves and always has loved footy.

MYTH BUSTED!

Pies Finished. Newsagents Sell Out of Red Textas

2005-07-11T15:35:00.000+10:00

Killed again by the Brisbane Bears. Only a few of our players stood up, namely Burns, Licca, Clement, and Johnson. Brodie Holland played well but gave me the shits for most of the night. Can't remember why but I do remember yelling, "Brodie, you fuckwit!" quite a lot at the TV screen.

Chris Tarrant wasn't interested.

Leon Davis is fat and was hopeless.

Wakes was lost (Like he has for the past month).

Lonie's finished at the Pies.

Because they thought they would be upstaged, nobody wanted to kick to Travis Cloke.

Brisbane were tough and brilliant, and shot our youngsters to pieces. There's no doubt they'll be playing the Grand Final with West Coast this year and I reckons they will shit it in. Brisbane by 32 points.

Cameron Cloke's Girlfriend?

2005-07-11T15:24:00.000+10:00

I don't get it.

Because I'm real nerded up, I can see how you came to arrive at this website. Most of you are friends, some come from Corkintheocean and others come from the AFL ring thingy down the bottom of the page. If you came here through a Google or Yahoo search I can also see what you were looking for to get here.

Here's the weird bit.

Quite a few of you have come here because you are on a search for "Cameron Cloke's girlfriend." Why, what on Lulie Street could you be doing searching for Cameron Cloke's girlfriend? Is she running for parliament? Does she owe some of you money?

Freaks.

AFL Season 2005, VOID

2005-06-28T03:41:00.000+10:00

We were robbed of 14 seconds from the last quarter of Saturday night's game against Sydney.

It's not nearly enough to suspend the timekeepers involved in the game.

The game should be VOIDED and called a draw or replayed. The least that should happen is the final quarter be replayed later this week.

Until either of these solutions, I am not going to acknowlege Season 2005 ever happened.

Official Full story via CFC's website.

Half Yearly Report, Part 1

2005-06-11T04:00:00.000+10:00

Nathan Buckley
Nathan must listen more to the team nurse. If his leg hurts he should go straight to the sickbay. Unfortunately his insolence affected the whole team when he had to have a nasty operation.

Scott Burns
As one of the older prefects, Scotty must learn to set a good example to the kiddies in the team. Only three best on grounds is not good enough. Must try harder or Mr Malthouse promises more canings.

Blake Caracella
Already a popular class member, Blake has fit in well into his new school. Good hygiene and straight kicking has ensured a high pass for the first half of the year.

James Clement
As fill-in School Captain, Master Clement has been a master of the unforgiving art of playing down back. Excellent work, James!

Cameron Cloke
Cameron is coping fairly well with the dominance of his younger brother. He's matured since last year's tongue incident.

Jason Cloke
Jason, however is struggling to come to terms with being known as the dud Cloke. Don't worry, some of the older teachers remember his efforts in playing loose, down back, way back in 2002. How far back? Have you got a car?

Travis Cloke
His marks do the talking. Kicking A+, Marking A, Contesting A+, Presence A+, Goal kicking A+, Hygiene B-.

Richard Cole
Richard is still in detention from his ANZAC Day non performance..

Tom Davidson
Will Tommy please return to class immediately?

Leon Davis
Dear Mr and Mrs Davis. Since our parent teacher evening a couple of years back, i have always been fair o your son. We'll keep it a that, okay.

Alan Didak
Alan's marks are improving each week. We're glad he's enjoying his after school tuition with Mr Daicos.

Chris Egan
Chris is a popular member of class. That's all.

Josh Fraser
While he sets a top example to the younger children, Josh is struggling to keep up with the set work. His form should improve.

Brodie Holland
Brodie's not as easily distracted as previous. While he still annoys the poo-bits out of the opposition, he is managing to get more of the footy and is doing a whole lot more with it.

Adam Iacobucci
I met John Box, the bloke who wrote The Age jingle with Iacobucci and Presti's names in it. He also wrote the Hard Yakka jingle. Now, that's a song.

Ben Johnson
Benny's season hasn't been as spectacular as last year. Solid, nonetheless.

David King
Rhymes with...

Paul Licuria
Licca is in the top 5 in the whole league for possessions and not one of those have come easily. Also he is a shoe in to win this year's inter-school Heads Down, Thumbs Up competition. Keep up the good work, Paul!

Tarkyn Lockyer
Like Alan, Tarkyn is starting to achieve some of his early career form and like Alan, Tarkyn gets teased a lot by his classmate because of his stupid first name.

Matthew Lokan
Even if his mum filled out a permission note, we wouldn't let Matthew come on an excursion.

Ryan Lonie
The kids tease poor Ryan with this little song. "Ryan Lonie, runs like a pony, plays like a phony, he can't play. Ryan Lonie, runs like a pony, plays like a phony, he is gay." Out of the mouths of babes.....

A Nice Pear

2005-05-31T02:19:00.000+10:00

Forget what I've said previously. Crack open the coconuts, prepare the punch, we're back on track. We can make the eight. We are in control. Wowee zowee, yippee flippin' doo! Two freakin' huge, spiky-but-sweet pineapple wins IN A ROW.

First, the hard as unripe apples win over West Coast. I can't say too much about that one only that the walk from the MCG to The London was a bit like, "And Egan picks up the ball one handed and looks for a pass to give out and sees Egan! Egan takes the mark and handballs to Egan! LET'S ALL BE EGAN!" Yes, it was one of those wins.

And to beat the poos and wees in a game like Saturday's. Lordy, lordy, hand me some more of those cherries, I'm excited!

Another apple hard win, so hard, none of our alleged Hawthorn annoyances bothered to turn up to the pub after the game. Sour perhaps? We will never know.

How did Collingwood do it? Other than hard and down the guts it was thanks to some of the players I've bagged in previous posts like Alan Didak who put in top games. Shane O'Bree is the biggie. What a turnaround. He has always been fairly good at kicking to our forwards but in the past fortnight....

Warning. Modern tactic analytical brain bananas to follow.
No really. How hard can it be to kick the football inside 50 meters? Let's look closely at it. Most, if not all players can kick 45 to 50 meters. That covers all and a bit of the center square. Now seeing that forwards prefer the ball to come quickly and don't care if it comes higgley piggely AND there's usually there's only two or three hungry forwards inside the AAARRK (RIP Gra Gra), leading each and every way, there shouldn't be an excuse to not ever kick inside 50. Just bomb it down there. Drop the strawberries in there, cos' Tazza wants another smoothie.

Both weeks, it was our backline who should be given a taste of the big melon for their efforts in squeezing their opponents to mushy pulp. Presti, Wakes and James Clement. The most reliable three-piece since pre Dave Lane/You Am I?

Brilliant.

The love in this post is dedicated to Danielle and Chris.

AFL Footy Tipping Tips for the Non-Collingwood Supporter.

2005-05-19T15:50:00.000+10:00

Now in Powerpoint Friendly, Point Form!

First, let's get this straight. While football and the Collingwood FC are two of my several obsessions, I find footy tipping and all talk about tips incredibly nauseating. Wanna make me yawn? Tell me how you only picked four this week, that last week you picked only two and that the girl winning the tips doesn't know anything about footy, she just gets her blah blah blah, bloody blah. Only “You wouldn't believe what I dreamed last night,” and “Did you watch the Footy Show on Thursday?” rival tips talk for murder-inspiring tedium.

I'll never forget in 2002 when we beat the Brisbane Bears at the Docklands Stadium & Convention Center in one of the most stunning games I've ever been to. That's a lot of games, somewhere between 7 and 12,300. Had to rush to a pub for a party straight after the game. It was an 80's theme party. Terrific. I walk in with footy jumper still on and a smile as big as Egypt. Immediately and for most of the night, dressed up party goers are staring at me as if I was some kind of rare lizard, only because I was wearing the colours. And they were wearing stonewash and taffeta. Sure, not too different than their usual get up but really...

An office blockish looking woman on an important administration mission pushes herself into my face. When I say "in my face" don't think Delvene Delaney, think more 'Not happy Jan,' lady. She was aggressive.

“Did you go to the game?”
“Yeah, it was unreal.”
“Who won?”
“Collingwo....”
“SHIT!! I ONLY TIPPED 3!”

She barges past me and announces to her colleagues, “Basically, Barry's gonna win the tips again this year!” Lovely behavior from a grown up lady.

Anyway, to the footy tips tips. You'll notice to make this document feel like it fits in with all the other rubbish on your desk, I've arranged my advice in bullet-point form.

Don't ever tip against your team. Especially if they are playing against Collingwood.
Tip against Collingwood only when they are playing at Subiaco, Football Park, The Docklands, the Gabba, Sydney or the MCG.
Don't ever listen to a word I say.
When in doubt, go back in time. If it was 1984 Footscray and Fitzroy would beat St Kilda, and Fremantle would be a nice place to go sailing.
Don't put too much importance on the office tipping competition. What if you were made redundant while you were leading the tipping? How embarrassing would it be if on the Tuesday you were escorted off the premises by security and then on the Friday you had to sneak in to hand in your tips?
If you think you are going to be made redundant later in the year, volunteer to organise the football tipping. Nobody will want to sack you if they think they're going to be lumped with the job entering the scores each week.
Here's a tip. Get a haircut.
Casual dress day = Get your tips in day.
Think, what would Jesus do?
Don't ever talk to me about your footy tips.

Call Me Doctor Peters

2005-05-13T11:43:00.000+10:00

In his column on the Fox website, Mick Malthouse admits, "At the second bounce, Josh Fraser hobbled away with a knee injury."

Remember what I said about Fraser's return? "A wack on a pussy sore during a ruck duel would be quite unpleasant."

Nurse, send the next patient in and cancel the rest of today's appointments. I need a lie down.

Lifestyles Of The Bleedingly Obvious

2005-05-10T12:28:00.000+10:00

Our fat president sold Collingwood's soul by moving to Richmond and over the next few months we'll have to endure much more embarrassment like this article from Crikey..
"No doubt the big end of town is impressed with the swank new Lexus Centre facilities, and the club’s new MCG corporate facilities from 2006 will be something to shout about, but what about actually winning a game of football?

"Where are we as a club? We're very strong financially, we've built ourselves into world quality brand, we've got the best facilities possible, and now we have to make sure we get the best possible team out there. People say that means nothing if you're not winning games, well it means everything,” McGuire says defensively. Yet here’s the club, into its seventh season under his presidency, and he’s still talking up the brand as somehow just as vital as winning games of football – except they can’t! And how do you build a brand with also-rans? Try telling the Magpie fan in the outer that Collingwood is all the better for being a great place for the well-heeled and corporate to entertain their mates."
Crikey Website - A dirty weekend for AFL heavyweights

That's Right, Blame Scott Burns

2005-05-09T13:21:00.000+10:00

Mick Malthouse put much blame on Scott Burns for our record 112,786 point loss against the W.A Anchors yesterday.

"We will sit down in the cold light of day and we'll analyse exactly how the game went and how the senior players went. Believe me, Scott Burns and Chad Morrison are under enormous pressure to hold their place. It's not a matter of possessions, particularly when you get beaten by a 130 possessions."

This was not the first time Malthouse put blame on the veteran midfielder. Earlier this year he put Burns' current mediocre form as one of the big roadblocks to Somalia's peace process and that Burns was really the one to blame over Channel 9's poor performance in this year's rating figures.

In his usual calm manner, Burns shrugged off Malthouse's finger pointing. “Sure, I've struggled to play four quarters in a row of good footy but me an Licca both agree Our Place pales in comparison to Burke's Backyard.”

“That Don Burke is a legend. If he doesn't line up on the half forward line for us against Richmond next week, maybe me, Licca and Don can fly up to Somalia and have a word to this Prime Minister Ali Gedi joker.”

Are We That Inept?

2005-05-04T14:32:00.000+10:00

As I predicted yesterday, Jonathan Brown refused our fat president's fat money (double what he's earning) offer to join the club.

Brown told radio station, SEN that he couldn't see himself leaving the club he grew up supporting.

"The money's great but I still get paid reasonably well from the Lions and at the end of the day I think job satisfaction is the No. 1 priority and I just love it up here.

Call it loyalty, call it what you want, but I suppose I've got people up here who I'm really tight with. We've made a lot of great bonds over the last few years and I've got people in my corner I trust.

The lifestyle up here is great, myself and my girlfriend are pretty settled down and I've got a lot of things I still want to achieve in Brisbane itself, with this club.

At the end of the day I want to be getting paid reasonably well but at the same time I want to be able to play in a successful side."

"Job satisfaction...loyalty....people in my corner I trust....I want to be able to play in a successful side." When is fat president going to realise that the money and Footy Show cards aren't the only ones to play when trying to win a champion over to the club?

Imagine what was going through Brown's mind when the president and Greg Swann approached him in Queensland last week. On seeing the suits (without the coach) approach he must have thought they were playing out a scene from The Club.

Ah.. The Club. The movie that keeps on giving.

Full Herald Sun article

As If

2005-05-03T15:38:00.000+10:00

So we've made a bid on Brisbane's next captain, Jonathan Brown. According to The Age, our fat president and our chief executive donned their safari suits and flew to Brisbane to offer him a $3 million contract.

Get this: "Over lunch, McGuire is believed to have enthused also about Brown's potential as a media performer and indicated Channel Nine's The Footy Show, along with other marketing and media opportunities, loomed larger in Melbourne than in Brisbane."

Now, which hat was our fat president wearing this time?

"Pies seek Brown - News - www.realfooty.com.au

Dreaming Mathematical: Collingwood Can Still Make the Eight

2005-05-02T13:23:00.000+10:00

That’s how desperate we’ve become. We’re stuffed and our woe has little to do with injuries.

Shane Woewodin, Matthew Lokan, Ryan Lonie, Dane Swan, David King, Guy Richards and Andrew Williams played in the magoos for Williamstown this week. Why? Because they weren’t good enough to play for the ones. In this list there’s Brownlow winners, bloke who’ve played in Grand Finals, and one who’s lucky not to be in jail.

If they’re not good enough to play, why are they on our list? Sure, you have to give young blokes- Julian Rowe (top game), Nick Maxwell (top game), Travis Cloke (a Cloke who can kick!) and Iacobucci (wasn’t he the camel in Wonder Twins?)- a go but this is a group of seven players. Our injury list consists of six which means a third of our senior list is injured or can’t play.

We were listless, so much so I struggled to stay awake in the last quarter. Lovely day, too much beer and a comfy seat make Glenn a dozy boy. At one point I nodded off and my head fell on the shoulder of the bloke sitting next to me. It was Shane O’Bree.

Shouldn’t you be on the ground?

To answer, the Pies on-baller broke out in song.

“Just a perfect day,
drink sangria in a park,
and then later,
when it gets dark we go home.”

If only it was a dream.

Woewodin, Williams and Williamstown: Selection By Alliteration

2005-04-29T14:41:00.000+10:00

Australian English teachers have rejoiced in the news that Woewodin and Williams were welegated to wanking away at windy Williamstown this weekend.

Josh Fraser was also named but from what I know about knee surgery, which isn't much, he won't be playing for at least two more weeks. According to Injury update (referred to me by corkintheocean) the reason he is out is not the knee cartilage surgery itself, instead an infection developed after the surgery. A wack on a pussy sore during a ruck duel would be quite unpleasant.

The three Clokes will play together, so will a couple of Shaws. If only James Clement had a brother....

Our ex-Baghdad correspondant, McGough should play for the first time against us and will rack up a few more useful possessions than Woewodin, Williams, Lokan and Didak put together. Don't boo him. Boo the coach for not playing him enough last year and then dropping him.

Official Website of the Australian Football League

ANZAC Day Tedium 2005

2005-04-28T00:09:00.000+10:00

By the time I got to the MCG, the whole ANZAC Day thing was giving me the shits. This year's ANZAC week was way way way over the top. Until now, the ANZAC message was simple: war is evil; respect diggers; fighting another country's war is a mug's game; and all war is evil. 2005's ANZAC Day seemed to be all about celebrating 'fallen heroes' and showing hate for anyone who dares to question Iraq, terror and myth. I wanted to yell something out during the silence like, "No more war!" but I was more interested in getting a good spot.

A Neanderthal Pies supporter behind me did yell something ANZAC when Essendon kicked their first goal. Reacting to the Mazda Zoom Zoom ad during replay, he shouts, "Fuck off Japan, this is our day!" He was wrong. It was Essendon's. We were lackluster and so was the game, so much so Rhyce Shaw was our BOG until he was knocked out halfway through the last quarter.

Richard Cole was beaten easily by a third gamer. Didak was woeful. 4 kicks, come on. Walker can't ruck. Williams can't play.

Travis Cloke played a top debut. The boy can mark, kick and has real bad hair. Yes, he excites me.

James Hird should have got 2 weeks for his bump on Wakes. The bump was premeditated, a vain attempt to put us off having blokes standing still in the holes inside their 50. Our Neanderthal mate thought the late bump was gutless and proceeded to call Hird, Carson for the rest of the game. Witty eh?

Let Misery Be Our Vice Captain

2005-04-18T12:07:00.000+10:00

Losing Anthony for the rest of the year was almost as tragic as losing Bucks.

Last week I thought Anthony was our best on ground although not many journos and loudmouthed "experts" agreed. Well, anybody can look at a stat sheet to pick a BOG. Before his achilles snapped minutes from half time, there was no doubt who was BOG. Anthony was taking marks everywhere and had kicked three easy goals. As I’ve said before, Rocca plays best with the responsibility of being captain. Now he’s gone.

Our next skipper will most likely be James Clement, who I reckon they’re grooming for a full time role. Maybe they should give the temp job to Shane O’Bree. Eh? Lump a big bunch of responsibility on the squatter. Scare the poobits out of him. Make him respect his role at the club. More importantly, inflict the captain’s curse of the fucker.

I have a proud confession to make. At the end of the game I did something at the players’ race that should have got me beaten up by security and thrown out of the ground. If cameras caught me, I would be a blight on the game, a fugitive and a threat to all the mums and dads out there trying so hard to bring their children up in this big and mean old world. I didn’t spit. I didn’t even swear. I yelled at Rhys Shaw. Nothing unusual there, but this is what I yelled. “Top game, Shaw. You really put in and never gave up. Good work.”

Rhys didn’t look up, probably thinking I was being sarcastic. I wasn’t.

He really did have a good game.

Like 4032 Corks in the Ocean

2005-04-14T17:48:00.000+10:00

If the blubbering old twit you're caring for is into the West Coast Eagles, read him the Eagles blog, corkintheocean. But reading corkintheocean's match reports may take awhile. This week's review of the game against the W.A Anchors clocked in at 4032 words.

Lucky the site's writer, Carneagles, is a funny bugger. Here's a taste.

"Of course, this was the 21st Western Derby, and the organizers have started to follow the example of our cousins in Murder City by calling it "Derby XI", the dicks.... I had a listen to 6PR on Saturday morning, and the biggest issue for George seemed to be whether to pronounce it "derrrby" or "daaahby" - the correct pronunciation is, of course, "whogivesafuck" - and if you listened carefully, you could just hear in the background the faint rasping noise of the bottom of a barrel being scraped."

corkintheocean

The Football Quote Of The Year

2005-04-13T15:48:00.000+10:00

"I just think people expect things to go against me, so it didn't really faze me. Over the years everything's pretty much gone against me, so I thought a couple of free kicks wasn't that much of a big deal." Rhys Shaw gives it all away.

Sure, I listed this in the previous post but Shaw's admission is so good it had to have its own.

Chris Tarrant in 5 Straight Goal Shock

2005-04-11T01:10:00.000+10:00

Yeah, I can't believe it either. The only bloke in the history of football who kicks with a slice (right to left off the left foot), kicked it through the big ones 5 times. Alright, I think he did kick one out on the full and a couple short but wa-hey, 5 goals. And he took marks! Incredible.

Even more impressive was our caretaker skipper, Anthony Rocca's game. I'm not joking but I may be dreaming. It was his best game in about 18 months. He took marks and lived up to the attention he usually gets from opposition coaches. When he was at half forward it was like watching the Pied Piper, there were so many spoilers following him. As he was getting used to the attention, he was put on the ball/token ruck and really got in amongst it, bursting packs, bumping, punching, tackling and tickling. Great to watch.

Other better players included: Brodie Holland resuming his lovers' tiff with Camporearslick; Licca, who got 35 million hard possessions; our superb backline of Clement, Wakes and Presti; Chad Morrison, at last a Chad who can play; and Rhys Shaw. Yes Rhys Shaw. Sure, he kicked it outta bounds on the full three times in a couple of minutes but at least he GETS THE BALL.

And you gotta love what he told the Herald Sun when asked about his kicking out on the full and giving away some frees.

"I just think people expect things to go against me, so it didn't really faze me. Over the years everything's pretty much gone against me, so I thought a couple of free kicks wasn't that much of a big deal."

Sounds a lot like my career-path.

Fat President Blames Squatters. We Wonder Why They Haven't Already Been Delisted

2005-04-08T18:03:00.000+10:00

According to The Age, our fat president has blamed the poor state of the club's former home, Victoria Park, on squatters and drug addicts.

Mayor Kay Meadows said "if it was being used as a shooting gallery or by squatters... then it was Collingwood's responsibility under the lease to maintain the site". Duh.

Here at Victoria Park we exclusively name the aforementioned squatters. They are Shane O'Bree, Ryan Lonie, Matthew Lokan, Heath Shaw, Dane Swan and of course, Andrew Williams. No reason has been given as to why these players weren't served their eviction notices at the end of last season.

Fat president blames squatters - National - www.theage.com.au

Ins & Outs

2005-04-08T01:00:00.000+10:00

For this week.

In: Nick Maxwell. Can play will be lucky to be on the ground for more than half the game.
Out: Ryan Lonie. About time. Could he be the next Mark Fraser?

You’ll Never Get a Sheepdog to Work if He Sleeps On a Mat.

2005-04-04T14:07:00.000+10:00

How embarrassing. We got plenty of the ball yesterday but our kicking was dreadful. Would that have anything to do with training at the new state-of-the-art training precinct? I thought so. Both Dicksons thought so. Janes thought so. Tone thought so. The loud Italian girl, her dad and brothers in front of us thought so.

And Rex Hunt thought so too. On the radio after the game he told us a lot about keeping sheepdogs and the problems at Collingwood. You see, as the title of this post points out, a sheepdog is useless unless you have it sleeping outside, in the weather and on the dirt. Lay out carpet for him and Fido gets lazy and forgets about the simple skills needed to get those farkin’ ewes in the yard.

Many of our players, apart from playing like bitches, have it too easy at the sterile training centre. The showers are hot, the training’s virtual and solarium’s toasty. Get out there on a footy field and kick a ball fellas! Taz missed a sitter banana kick which should have won the game for us. The exact kick everyone who has ever lovingly fondled a Tommy has kicked thousands of times with mates at the local park.

Today, I’m embarrassed to be a Collingwood member.

Our Footy Club Neglets Its Mecca

2005-04-02T12:17:00.000+10:00

Our Footy Club Neglets Its Mecca
Originally uploaded by glennpeters.

From The Age: "Collingwood Football Club left a damage bill of $10.7 million when in vacated its former home at Victoria Park in Abbotsford this week, according to the City of Yarra."

Just shows our president and his minions really hate Victoria Park.

Full article.

It Only Gets Worse

2005-03-31T11:13:00.000+10:00

Buckley out for an "indefinite" period due to a lost shipment of spare parts from Germany. The pain, the pain. Have they checked Spain?

Let The Misery Begin

2005-03-29T10:05:00.000+10:00

Shithouse. Out-coached again by Rodney Eade.

If you have blokes like Rocca and Tarrant in your forward line, kick it to them.

If you’re going to experiment with Leon Davis on the ball, persist with it. Don’t hide him in the forward pocket when the going’s getting tough.

If you are clearly beating them by playing direct, um… ah… play farken direct!

We took 11, yes 11 contested marks in the whole day of football. Come on. By avoiding contests you are treating your big fellas AND crumbers with total disrespect. Last time I checked, we were playing in Melbourne, not Perth.

My head hurts.

Football Season Comes Around Again

2005-03-25T19:03:00.000+11:00

Footy's back. Phew, at last there's something to do on the weekends. Was getting sick of mowing the farkin lawn and taking the kids out to softball practice. Sure, I don't have lawn or kids and even if I did, softball. What crap. Underarm throwing, big balls and ladies called Trevor. Merde.

Last night's first game of the season had interest for Pies supporters with Mal Michael's terrific excuse to why he bumped the injured Nick Weevolt, that he was only "testing" to see if his arm was alright. Fair enough.

Also last night was our ex Bhagdad correspondant, Mark McGough's first game for StKilda. There was no way he should have been dropped by us last year. In fact it was the worst de-listing since we got rid of Peter Daicos. McGough played alright for StKilda. His stats say he played mediocre but st st st st facts and figures are over-rated in modern footy. He seemed to be one of the only players in his team winning the ball out of the rough stuff and seeing that Leigh Matthews said after the game that the Saints' biggest strength on the night was getting hard balls, I reckons the Bhagdad correspondant did well.

Hard balls. I get them. If you don't get them, you're soft.

Anyways, only three sleeps til our first game against Footscray and I'm not too excited. New Dogs coach, Rodney Eade used to thump us on the whiteboard when he coached South. I reckon he can do that again. I'd tip us, but.

Go Pies.