AFL Season 2005, VOID

We were robbed of 14 seconds from the last quarter of Saturday night's game against Sydney.

It's not nearly enough to suspend the timekeepers involved in the game.

The game should be VOIDED and called a draw or replayed. The least that should happen is the final quarter be replayed later this week.

Until either of these solutions, I am not going to acknowlege Season 2005 ever happened.

Official Full story via CFC's website.

Half Yearly Report, Part 1

Nathan Buckley
Nathan must listen more to the team nurse. If his leg hurts he should go straight to the sickbay. Unfortunately his insolence affected the whole team when he had to have a nasty operation.

Scott Burns
As one of the older prefects, Scotty must learn to set a good example to the kiddies in the team. Only three best on grounds is not good enough. Must try harder or Mr Malthouse promises more canings.

Blake Caracella
Already a popular class member, Blake has fit in well into his new school. Good hygiene and straight kicking has ensured a high pass for the first half of the year.

James Clement
As fill-in School Captain, Master Clement has been a master of the unforgiving art of playing down back. Excellent work, James!

Cameron Cloke
Cameron is coping fairly well with the dominance of his younger brother. He's matured since last year's tongue incident.

Jason Cloke
Jason, however is struggling to come to terms with being known as the dud Cloke. Don't worry, some of the older teachers remember his efforts in playing loose, down back, way back in 2002. How far back? Have you got a car?

Travis Cloke
His marks do the talking. Kicking A+, Marking A, Contesting A+, Presence A+, Goal kicking A+, Hygiene B-.

Richard Cole
Richard is still in detention from his ANZAC Day non performance..

Tom Davidson
Will Tommy please return to class immediately?

Leon Davis
Dear Mr and Mrs Davis. Since our parent teacher evening a couple of years back, i have always been fair o your son. We'll keep it a that, okay.

Alan Didak
Alan's marks are improving each week. We're glad he's enjoying his after school tuition with Mr Daicos.

Chris Egan
Chris is a popular member of class. That's all.

Josh Fraser
While he sets a top example to the younger children, Josh is struggling to keep up with the set work. His form should improve.

Brodie Holland
Brodie's not as easily distracted as previous. While he still annoys the poo-bits out of the opposition, he is managing to get more of the footy and is doing a whole lot more with it.

Adam Iacobucci
I met John Box, the bloke who wrote The Age jingle with Iacobucci and Presti's names in it. He also wrote the Hard Yakka jingle. Now, that's a song.

Ben Johnson
Benny's season hasn't been as spectacular as last year. Solid, nonetheless.

David King
Rhymes with...

Paul Licuria
Licca is in the top 5 in the whole league for possessions and not one of those have come easily. Also he is a shoe in to win this year's inter-school Heads Down, Thumbs Up competition. Keep up the good work, Paul!

Tarkyn Lockyer
Like Alan, Tarkyn is starting to achieve some of his early career form and like Alan, Tarkyn gets teased a lot by his classmate because of his stupid first name.

Matthew Lokan
Even if his mum filled out a permission note, we wouldn't let Matthew come on an excursion.

Ryan Lonie
The kids tease poor Ryan with this little song. "Ryan Lonie, runs like a pony, plays like a phony, he can't play. Ryan Lonie, runs like a pony, plays like a phony, he is gay." Out of the mouths of babes.....

A Nice Pear

Forget what I've said previously. Crack open the coconuts, prepare the punch, we're back on track. We can make the eight. We are in control. Wowee zowee, yippee flippin' doo! Two freakin' huge, spiky-but-sweet pineapple wins IN A ROW.

First, the hard as unripe apples win over West Coast. I can't say too much about that one only that the walk from the MCG to The London was a bit like, "And Egan picks up the ball one handed and looks for a pass to give out and sees Egan! Egan takes the mark and handballs to Egan! LET'S ALL BE EGAN!" Yes, it was one of those wins.

And to beat the poos and wees in a game like Saturday's. Lordy, lordy, hand me some more of those cherries, I'm excited!

Another apple hard win, so hard, none of our alleged Hawthorn annoyances bothered to turn up to the pub after the game. Sour perhaps? We will never know.

How did Collingwood do it? Other than hard and down the guts it was thanks to some of the players I've bagged in previous posts like Alan Didak who put in top games. Shane O'Bree is the biggie. What a turnaround. He has always been fairly good at kicking to our forwards but in the past fortnight....

Warning. Modern tactic analytical brain bananas to follow.
No really. How hard can it be to kick the football inside 50 meters? Let's look closely at it. Most, if not all players can kick 45 to 50 meters. That covers all and a bit of the center square. Now seeing that forwards prefer the ball to come quickly and don't care if it comes higgley piggely AND there's usually there's only two or three hungry forwards inside the AAARRK (RIP Gra Gra), leading each and every way, there shouldn't be an excuse to not ever kick inside 50. Just bomb it down there. Drop the strawberries in there, cos' Tazza wants another smoothie.

Both weeks, it was our backline who should be given a taste of the big melon for their efforts in squeezing their opponents to mushy pulp. Presti, Wakes and James Clement. The most reliable three-piece since pre Dave Lane/You Am I?

Brilliant.


The love in this post is dedicated to Danielle and Chris.

AFL Footy Tipping Tips for the Non-Collingwood Supporter.

Now in Powerpoint Friendly, Point Form!

First, let's get this straight. While football and the Collingwood FC are two of my several obsessions, I find footy tipping and all talk about tips incredibly nauseating. Wanna make me yawn? Tell me how you only picked four this week, that last week you picked only two and that the girl winning the tips doesn't know anything about footy, she just gets her blah blah blah, bloody blah. Only “You wouldn't believe what I dreamed last night,” and “Did you watch the Footy Show on Thursday?” rival tips talk for murder-inspiring tedium.

I'll never forget in 2002 when we beat the Brisbane Bears at the Docklands Stadium & Convention Center in one of the most stunning games I've ever been to. That's a lot of games, somewhere between 7 and 12,300. Had to rush to a pub for a party straight after the game. It was an 80's theme party. Terrific. I walk in with footy jumper still on and a smile as big as Egypt. Immediately and for most of the night, dressed up party goers are staring at me as if I was some kind of rare lizard, only because I was wearing the colours. And they were wearing stonewash and taffeta. Sure, not too different than their usual get up but really...

An office blockish looking woman on an important administration mission pushes herself into my face. When I say "in my face" don't think Delvene Delaney, think more 'Not happy Jan,' lady. She was aggressive.

“Did you go to the game?”
“Yeah, it was unreal.”
“Who won?”
“Collingwo....”
“SHIT!! I ONLY TIPPED 3!”

She barges past me and announces to her colleagues, “Basically, Barry's gonna win the tips again this year!” Lovely behavior from a grown up lady.

Anyway, to the footy tips tips. You'll notice to make this document feel like it fits in with all the other rubbish on your desk, I've arranged my advice in bullet-point form.

• Don't ever tip against your team. Especially if they are playing against Collingwood.

• Tip against Collingwood only when they are playing at Subiaco, Football Park, The Docklands, the Gabba, Sydney or the MCG.

• Don't ever listen to a word I say.

• When in doubt, go back in time. If it was 1984 Footscray and Fitzroy would beat St Kilda, and Fremantle would be a nice place to go sailing.

• Don't put too much importance on the office tipping competition. What if you were made redundant while you were leading the tipping? How embarrassing would it be if on the Tuesday you were escorted off the premises by security and then on the Friday you had to sneak in to hand in your tips?

• If you think you are going to be made redundant later in the year, volunteer to organise the football tipping. Nobody will want to sack you if they think they're going to be lumped with the job entering the scores each week.

• Here's a tip. Get a haircut.

• Casual dress day = Get your tips in day.

• Think, what would Jesus do?

• Don't ever talk to me about your footy tips.

Call Me Doctor Peters

In his column on the Fox website, Mick Malthouse admits, "At the second bounce, Josh Fraser hobbled away with a knee injury."

Remember what I said about Fraser's return? "A wack on a pussy sore during a ruck duel would be quite unpleasant."

Nurse, send the next patient in and cancel the rest of today's appointments. I need a lie down.

Lifestyles Of The Bleedingly Obvious

Our fat president sold Collingwood's soul by moving to Richmond and over the next few months we'll have to endure much more embarrassment like this article from Crikey..

"No doubt the big end of town is impressed with the swank new Lexus Centre facilities, and the club’s new MCG corporate facilities from 2006 will be something to shout about, but what about actually winning a game of football?

"Where are we as a club? We're very strong financially, we've built ourselves into world quality brand, we've got the best facilities possible, and now we have to make sure we get the best possible team out there. People say that means nothing if you're not winning games, well it means everything,” McGuire says defensively. Yet here’s the club, into its seventh season under his presidency, and he’s still talking up the brand as somehow just as vital as winning games of football – except they can’t! And how do you build a brand with also-rans? Try telling the Magpie fan in the outer that Collingwood is all the better for being a great place for the well-heeled and corporate to entertain their mates."

Crikey Website - A dirty weekend for AFL heavyweights

That's Right, Blame Scott Burns

Mick Malthouse put much blame on Scott Burns for our record 112,786 point loss against the W.A Anchors yesterday.

"We will sit down in the cold light of day and we'll analyse exactly how the game went and how the senior players went. Believe me, Scott Burns and Chad Morrison are under enormous pressure to hold their place. It's not a matter of possessions, particularly when you get beaten by a 130 possessions."

This was not the first time Malthouse put blame on the veteran midfielder. Earlier this year he put Burns' current mediocre form as one of the big roadblocks to Somalia's peace process and that Burns was really the one to blame over Channel 9's poor performance in this year's rating figures.

In his usual calm manner, Burns shrugged off Malthouse's finger pointing. “Sure, I've struggled to play four quarters in a row of good footy but me an Licca both agree Our Place pales in comparison to Burke's Backyard.”

“That Don Burke is a legend. If he doesn't line up on the half forward line for us against Richmond next week, maybe me, Licca and Don can fly up to Somalia and have a word to this Prime Minister Ali Gedi joker.”

Are We That Inept?

As I predicted yesterday, Jonathan Brown refused our fat president's fat money (double what he's earning) offer to join the club.

Brown told radio station, SEN that he couldn't see himself leaving the club he grew up supporting.

"The money's great but I still get paid reasonably well from the Lions and at the end of the day I think job satisfaction is the No. 1 priority and I just love it up here.

Call it loyalty, call it what you want, but I suppose I've got people up here who I'm really tight with. We've made a lot of great bonds over the last few years and I've got people in my corner I trust.

The lifestyle up here is great, myself and my girlfriend are pretty settled down and I've got a lot of things I still want to achieve in Brisbane itself, with this club.

At the end of the day I want to be getting paid reasonably well but at the same time I want to be able to play in a successful side."

"Job satisfaction...loyalty....people in my corner I trust....I want to be able to play in a successful side." When is fat president going to realise that the money and Footy Show cards aren't the only ones to play when trying to win a champion over to the club?

Imagine what was going through Brown's mind when the president and Greg Swann approached him in Queensland last week. On seeing the suits (without the coach) approach he must have thought they were playing out a scene from The Club.

Ah.. The Club. The movie that keeps on giving.

Full Herald Sun article

As If

So we've made a bid on Brisbane's next captain, Jonathan Brown. According to The Age, our fat president and our chief executive donned their safari suits and flew to Brisbane to offer him a $3 million contract.

Get this: "Over lunch, McGuire is believed to have enthused also about Brown's potential as a media performer and indicated Channel Nine's The Footy Show, along with other marketing and media opportunities, loomed larger in Melbourne than in Brisbane."

Now, which hat was our fat president wearing this time?

"Pies seek Brown - News - www.realfooty.com.au

Dreaming Mathematical: Collingwood Can Still Make the Eight

That’s how desperate we’ve become. We’re stuffed and our woe has little to do with injuries.

Shane Woewodin, Matthew Lokan, Ryan Lonie, Dane Swan, David King, Guy Richards and Andrew Williams played in the magoos for Williamstown this week. Why? Because they weren’t good enough to play for the ones. In this list there’s Brownlow winners, bloke who’ve played in Grand Finals, and one who’s lucky not to be in jail.

If they’re not good enough to play, why are they on our list? Sure, you have to give young blokes- Julian Rowe (top game), Nick Maxwell (top game), Travis Cloke (a Cloke who can kick!) and Iacobucci (wasn’t he the camel in Wonder Twins?)- a go but this is a group of seven players. Our injury list consists of six which means a third of our senior list is injured or can’t play.

We were listless, so much so I struggled to stay awake in the last quarter. Lovely day, too much beer and a comfy seat make Glenn a dozy boy. At one point I nodded off and my head fell on the shoulder of the bloke sitting next to me. It was Shane O’Bree.

Shouldn’t you be on the ground?

To answer, the Pies on-baller broke out in song.

“Just a perfect day,
drink sangria in a park,
and then later,
when it gets dark we go home.”

If only it was a dream.

Woewodin, Williams and Williamstown: Selection By Alliteration

Australian English teachers have rejoiced in the news that Woewodin and Williams were welegated to wanking away at windy Williamstown this weekend.

Josh Fraser was also named but from what I know about knee surgery, which isn't much, he won't be playing for at least two more weeks. According to Injury update (referred to me by corkintheocean) the reason he is out is not the knee cartilage surgery itself, instead an infection developed after the surgery. A wack on a pussy sore during a ruck duel would be quite unpleasant.

The three Clokes will play together, so will a couple of Shaws. If only James Clement had a brother....

Our ex-Baghdad correspondant, McGough should play for the first time against us and will rack up a few more useful possessions than Woewodin, Williams, Lokan and Didak put together. Don't boo him. Boo the coach for not playing him enough last year and then dropping him.

Official Website of the Australian Football League

ANZAC Day Tedium 2005

By the time I got to the MCG, the whole ANZAC Day thing was giving me the shits. This year's ANZAC week was way way way over the top. Until now, the ANZAC message was simple: war is evil; respect diggers; fighting another country's war is a mug's game; and all war is evil. 2005's ANZAC Day seemed to be all about celebrating 'fallen heroes' and showing hate for anyone who dares to question Iraq, terror and myth. I wanted to yell something out during the silence like, "No more war!" but I was more interested in getting a good spot.

A Neanderthal Pies supporter behind me did yell something ANZAC when Essendon kicked their first goal. Reacting to the Mazda Zoom Zoom ad during replay, he shouts, "Fuck off Japan, this is our day!" He was wrong. It was Essendon's. We were lackluster and so was the game, so much so Rhyce Shaw was our BOG until he was knocked out halfway through the last quarter.

Richard Cole was beaten easily by a third gamer. Didak was woeful. 4 kicks, come on. Walker can't ruck. Williams can't play.

Travis Cloke played a top debut. The boy can mark, kick and has real bad hair. Yes, he excites me.

James Hird should have got 2 weeks for his bump on Wakes. The bump was premeditated, a vain attempt to put us off having blokes standing still in the holes inside their 50. Our Neanderthal mate thought the late bump was gutless and proceeded to call Hird, Carson for the rest of the game. Witty eh?

Let Misery Be Our Vice Captain

Losing Anthony for the rest of the year was almost as tragic as losing Bucks.

Last week I thought Anthony was our best on ground although not many journos and loudmouthed "experts" agreed. Well, anybody can look at a stat sheet to pick a BOG. Before his achilles snapped minutes from half time, there was no doubt who was BOG. Anthony was taking marks everywhere and had kicked three easy goals. As I’ve said before, Rocca plays best with the responsibility of being captain. Now he’s gone.

Our next skipper will most likely be James Clement, who I reckon they’re grooming for a full time role. Maybe they should give the temp job to Shane O’Bree. Eh? Lump a big bunch of responsibility on the squatter. Scare the poobits out of him. Make him respect his role at the club. More importantly, inflict the captain’s curse of the fucker.

I have a proud confession to make. At the end of the game I did something at the players’ race that should have got me beaten up by security and thrown out of the ground. If cameras caught me, I would be a blight on the game, a fugitive and a threat to all the mums and dads out there trying so hard to bring their children up in this big and mean old world. I didn’t spit. I didn’t even swear. I yelled at Rhys Shaw. Nothing unusual there, but this is what I yelled. “Top game, Shaw. You really put in and never gave up. Good work.”

Rhys didn’t look up, probably thinking I was being sarcastic. I wasn’t.

He really did have a good game.

Like 4032 Corks in the Ocean

If the blubbering old twit you're caring for is into the West Coast Eagles, read him the Eagles blog, corkintheocean. But reading corkintheocean's match reports may take awhile. This week's review of the game against the W.A Anchors clocked in at 4032 words.

Lucky the site's writer, Carneagles, is a funny bugger. Here's a taste.

"Of course, this was the 21st Western Derby, and the organizers have started to follow the example of our cousins in Murder City by calling it "Derby XI", the dicks.... I had a listen to 6PR on Saturday morning, and the biggest issue for George seemed to be whether to pronounce it "derrrby" or "daaahby" - the correct pronunciation is, of course, "whogivesafuck" - and if you listened carefully, you could just hear in the background the faint rasping noise of the bottom of a barrel being scraped."

corkintheocean

The Football Quote Of The Year

"I just think people expect things to go against me, so it didn't really faze me. Over the years everything's pretty much gone against me, so I thought a couple of free kicks wasn't that much of a big deal." Rhys Shaw gives it all away.

Sure, I listed this in the previous post but Shaw's admission is so good it had to have its own.

Chris Tarrant in 5 Straight Goal Shock

Yeah, I can't believe it either. The only bloke in the history of football who kicks with a slice (right to left off the left foot), kicked it through the big ones 5 times. Alright, I think he did kick one out on the full and a couple short but wa-hey, 5 goals. And he took marks! Incredible.

Even more impressive was our caretaker skipper, Anthony Rocca's game. I'm not joking but I may be dreaming. It was his best game in about 18 months. He took marks and lived up to the attention he usually gets from opposition coaches. When he was at half forward it was like watching the Pied Piper, there were so many spoilers following him. As he was getting used to the attention, he was put on the ball/token ruck and really got in amongst it, bursting packs, bumping, punching, tackling and tickling. Great to watch.

Other better players included: Brodie Holland resuming his lovers' tiff with Camporearslick; Licca, who got 35 million hard possessions; our superb backline of Clement, Wakes and Presti; Chad Morrison, at last a Chad who can play; and Rhys Shaw. Yes Rhys Shaw. Sure, he kicked it outta bounds on the full three times in a couple of minutes but at least he GETS THE BALL.

And you gotta love what he told the Herald Sun when asked about his kicking out on the full and giving away some frees.

"I just think people expect things to go against me, so it didn't really faze me. Over the years everything's pretty much gone against me, so I thought a couple of free kicks wasn't that much of a big deal."

Sounds a lot like my career-path.

Fat President Blames Squatters. We Wonder Why They Haven't Already Been Delisted

According to The Age, our fat president has blamed the poor state of the club's former home, Victoria Park, on squatters and drug addicts.

Mayor Kay Meadows said "if it was being used as a shooting gallery or by squatters... then it was Collingwood's responsibility under the lease to maintain the site". Duh.

Here at Victoria Park we exclusively name the aforementioned squatters. They are Shane O'Bree, Ryan Lonie, Matthew Lokan, Heath Shaw, Dane Swan and of course, Andrew Williams. No reason has been given as to why these players weren't served their eviction notices at the end of last season.

Fat president blames squatters - National - www.theage.com.au

Ins & Outs

For this week.

In: Nick Maxwell. Can play will be lucky to be on the ground for more than half the game.
Out: Ryan Lonie. About time. Could he be the next Mark Fraser?

You’ll Never Get a Sheepdog to Work if He Sleeps On a Mat.

How embarrassing. We got plenty of the ball yesterday but our kicking was dreadful. Would that have anything to do with training at the new state-of-the-art training precinct? I thought so. Both Dicksons thought so. Janes thought so. Tone thought so. The loud Italian girl, her dad and brothers in front of us thought so.

And Rex Hunt thought so too. On the radio after the game he told us a lot about keeping sheepdogs and the problems at Collingwood. You see, as the title of this post points out, a sheepdog is useless unless you have it sleeping outside, in the weather and on the dirt. Lay out carpet for him and Fido gets lazy and forgets about the simple skills needed to get those farkin’ ewes in the yard.

Many of our players, apart from playing like bitches, have it too easy at the sterile training centre. The showers are hot, the training’s virtual and solarium’s toasty. Get out there on a footy field and kick a ball fellas! Taz missed a sitter banana kick which should have won the game for us. The exact kick everyone who has ever lovingly fondled a Tommy has kicked thousands of times with mates at the local park.

Today, I’m embarrassed to be a Collingwood member.

Our Footy Club Neglets Its Mecca

Our Footy Club Neglets Its Mecca
Originally uploaded by glennpeters.

From The Age: "Collingwood Football Club left a damage bill of $10.7 million when in vacated its former home at Victoria Park in Abbotsford this week, according to the City of Yarra."

Just shows our president and his minions really hate Victoria Park.

Full article.

It Only Gets Worse

Buckley out for an "indefinite" period due to a lost shipment of spare parts from Germany. The pain, the pain. Have they checked Spain?

Let The Misery Begin

Shithouse. Out-coached again by Rodney Eade.

If you have blokes like Rocca and Tarrant in your forward line, kick it to them.

If you’re going to experiment with Leon Davis on the ball, persist with it. Don’t hide him in the forward pocket when the going’s getting tough.

If you are clearly beating them by playing direct, um… ah… play farken direct!

We took 11, yes 11 contested marks in the whole day of football. Come on. By avoiding contests you are treating your big fellas AND crumbers with total disrespect. Last time I checked, we were playing in Melbourne, not Perth.

My head hurts.

Football Season Comes Around Again

Footy's back. Phew, at last there's something to do on the weekends. Was getting sick of mowing the farkin lawn and taking the kids out to softball practice. Sure, I don't have lawn or kids and even if I did, softball. What crap. Underarm throwing, big balls and ladies called Trevor. Merde.

Last night's first game of the season had interest for Pies supporters with Mal Michael's terrific excuse to why he bumped the injured Nick Weevolt, that he was only "testing" to see if his arm was alright. Fair enough.

Also last night was our ex Bhagdad correspondant, Mark McGough's first game for StKilda. There was no way he should have been dropped by us last year. In fact it was the worst de-listing since we got rid of Peter Daicos. McGough played alright for StKilda. His stats say he played mediocre but st st st st facts and figures are over-rated in modern footy. He seemed to be one of the only players in his team winning the ball out of the rough stuff and seeing that Leigh Matthews said after the game that the Saints' biggest strength on the night was getting hard balls, I reckons the Bhagdad correspondant did well.

Hard balls. I get them. If you don't get them, you're soft.

Anyways, only three sleeps til our first game against Footscray and I'm not too excited. New Dogs coach, Rodney Eade used to thump us on the whiteboard when he coached South. I reckon he can do that again. I'd tip us, but.

Go Pies.