Tom Davidson Still Training With The Pies

Even though we delisted him at the end of the season and other clubs have offered to have him train with them, Tom Davidson told The Age yesterday he's spent post season training with us and is hopeful he may be picked up in Saturday's draft.

Davidson is only 22 and young enough to be picked up as a rookie.

Here's more of what he told The Age...

"(Being delisted) shook me up a bit. It's not something I wanted but it might be something I needed. I am looking at it as a fresh start; I am trying to be confident about it. I do feel like I have been robbed a bit."

"It has all gone a bit pear-shaped since that pre-season I did my first knee. I haven't really got my body good enough or fit enough until now. This is the first pre-season I have been able to be running and doing every session."

"I haven't lost any pace. We have a fitness test on Wednesday, so that will be good because I haven't been able to do some testing for a while, but I think I have been running the same sort of times."

Reading between the lines, I reckon he's going to play with us next year. You have to admire his persistance after injury and willingness to continue training with the Pies after being delisted.

Richard Cole Shot Back To The Scene Of His Decline

As I've said before, Richard Cole's career at Collingwood ended at this year's ANZAC Day game. He was given a thorough towelling by his third gamer opponent, Somebody Lovett-Murray. The hyphenated Essendon player won the ANZAC Day Medal and rarely played a good game for the rest of the year.

Cole wasn't given a game since.

We've just traded Cole for pick 23 in the draft, a pick which we'll probably swap with St Kevins Old Boys for Steve McKee and Simon Garlick who we will in turn swap with Sydney for Darren Cresswell, John Ironmonger and one of Oxford Street's more boutique-ish Chai Tea establishmentss.

We really shine on draft week.

My Grand Final Joke

I was in the bank today and there were footy streamers and flags all over the place.

While cashing a cheque I ask the teller, "So, what are you doing for the Granny?"

Teller replies, "Dunno. If she doesn't leave soon, we're calling in Social Services."


I crack me up.

Woewodin Delisted And Dreaming

On hearing of his sacking on the television news, Shane Slow-wodin told Fox News, "I just want to play senior footy."

Slow-wodin wants to go back to The Melbourne Club and reckons he's still got a lot to offer.

"Everyone questions age and pace, it's just a perception."

"I've played for nine years and never been a quick player, and I've achieved what I've achieved without the pace.

"I think it's great to have . . . there's no doubt, to be able to be explosive and run the lines and carry the footy.

And get this.

"But it's also a bonus to be able to get the footy, and I just think it (pace) is overrated at times."

Leg speed was never Slowy's problem.

You call it poor decision making.

I call it derrrrrfred.

When he got the footy, time slowed and if you listened carefully you could hear his excruciating decision making process.

"Ahhh. I got da ball. Clokey's over there. Where's da Bucks? Where's Licca? Who's got da ball? I got da ball. Ball. Ball. Ball. Where's Clokey? Ahhh. Bucks over there. Kick it? To you? To me? Knowing me, knowing you ah hah... There is nothing we can do. Knowing me, knowing you ah hah..."

And in a style reminiscent to Gough Whitlam's It's Time election campaign, Slow-wodin has already started lobbying to get re-signed with The Melbourne Club.

"It's a club I love. I've had some wonderful memories there and it would be great to go back, there's no doubt about that."

"It's whether or not I fit into their structure. I know the boys are pumping for me and want to get me back."

How sad.

Photo from gayfooty.com.au (Your one stop queer football resource).

Nick Davis....We've Seen It All Before

Nick Davis is a cockhead.

Back in 2002 he kicked a couple of goals in the last quarter to get us into the Grand Final. Great, bring out the laurel wreath and all.

Then in the Grand Final he played a shocker.

Choked.

Dissappeared up his own arse.

Shat himself.

Day after the Grand Final I'm at the Victoria Park wake. Players looking devestated except.... "Who's that cockhead up there on the stage in the backwards baseball cap, basketball singlet and stoopid arse smile?"

Nick Davis.

What's he doing? Laughing, joking and cheering when coach announces there's no training for a month.

I've heard we traded him because his team mates thought he was a pain in the arse and that some personal differences with one or two of our stars had become too hard to manage.

I would have thrown him out for acting like a goose while we were fighting back tears at Victoria Park on that awful Sunday afternoon.

If Sydney do make the Grand Final this year just watch him soil himself.

Can't stand the bloke.

Brodie Holland On Dancing With The Stars

Can September get any worse? I'm sure it will.

What Happened on Mad Monday

After the worst football season I care to remember I was keen to book a table at Dom Camillo’s yesterday and eaves-drop on my drunk, hapless and cabonara-stuffed Magpies. Pity I was struck by a massive chunk of ennui and slept through the whole day.

So it was no VB and ravioli soup for me, Sir.

Just as well the sleep was so deep because…..I had a dream.

Sunday morning, 9am and the delisted players, Tom Davidson, Andrew Williams, Brayden Shaw and Matthew Lokan are asked to meet a club psychologist at Meeting Room 4, Lexus Centre.

The shrink’s running late.

Lokan: Hehehehehehehe.
Shaw: What’s Matty reading this time?
Williams: I think it’s that Archie comic again.
Davidson: So, you guys going to that thing at Dom’s tomororrow?
Williams: Dunno.
Shaw: Yeah, no, dunno.
Lokan: Hehehehehehehe.

Blonde girl from reception (they’ve always been and always will be blonde) walks in.

Blonde Girl: Yeah, no, basically Dr Kevin’s just texted me and he’s running late. Can you all come in Tuesday?
Davidson: Fuck off, I’m off to Noosa in two hours.
Williams: Yeah, get fucked, Sharon.
Shaw: Yeah, what they said.
Lokan: Hehehehehehehe.

Priority Clubsong Rewrite

Good old Colingwood however,
We know how to throw a game.
Side by side we stick together,
To uphold the season's shame.
All the barrackers are shouting,
As sad barrackers should,
All the premiership's a cakewalk,
For good old Williamstown.

I Got Two Words For You

And they are.....

SCOTT BURNS.

Photo from the Herald Sun Match report.

What Looks Like a Duck

Smells like a duck and quacks like a duck probably is a coaching decision to:

refuse to play Nathan Buckley further up the field,
play David Fanning in the ruck for only a little over a quarter,
to quarantine Brodie Holland from his nemesis, Scott Camporeale for most of the game,
play Travis Cloke for only a fraction of the game.

Enough.

Saturday night's loss to Carlton was outrageous and an insult to 200 gamers, Scott Burns and Shane Wakelin. Sure, we were undermanned blah blah blah but if any of the decisions listed above were addressed properly the score would have been a lot closer.

Nathan Buckley openly argued with the bench. Again.

There's been too much talk about throwing games in some sort of Faustian pact with the national draft.

Fark that.

Now we're looking seriously at a wooden spoon.

We MUST beat Footscray and/or Adelaide in the next fortnight. We already sold our souls by moving out of Victoria Park.

Enough.

Magpies don't quack.

Arden Street Loves Me

North Melbourne supporters can be scary. Especially the Port Melbourne blazer wearing inbreds who stand on the flight lounge wing of the Docklands Sewerage Outlet.

And they love me.

In 2001 I was priveleged to be put on a list which appeared on a North Melbourne footy website listing "media bastards and bitches that run our club down..."

Here's what a reprobate called "Darky" reckons about me.

"The unlikliest of sources brings another contender...

Melbourne's "InPress" freebie magazine. Some turd called Glenn Peters on page 71 (2/5/01) has an absolute bitch about Carey and Pagan and how much he hates our club, in his weekly column.

Just a few hints Glenn :
1. You are not a music journalist
2. You are definietely not a sports journalist
3. Your 15 minutes of nowhere-near-fame is a weekly column stuck next to the classified ads in a free newspaper that gets picked up, scoured over for five minutes, and chucked in the bin or left on train seats. Life has passed you by, you little shit.
4. In return for your apparent hatred of Wayne Carey, you are so insignificant he will never know you are alive. How does that make you feel... hate, hate, hate and you will never get a bite back.
5. If you're gonna write for a free magazine, try Beat or MX, loser!"

Darky's being quite generous when he says Inpress gets "scoured over for five minutes." I would give the street paper two to three minutes, tops.

The Ins And Outs Tell Our Sad Story

IN: Davies, Didak, Hall, Lokan, C.Morrison
OUT: Tarrant (susp), Lonie (knee)

Five Reasons Why We Will Appeal Tarrant's Three Week Suspension

1. Tazza wants another break. Five weeks will get him over to the end of the season. Like in the old soap ad, this time "Tahiti would be nice."

2. The tribunal's outcome coincides with Thursday night's Footy Show which is in danger of a ratings schlacking by the final episode of The Amazing Race and another guest-star acting (!) appearance of You Am I's Tim Rogers on MDA.

3. The WA Anchor player deserved it.

4. Smoke and mirrors. No, I'm not talking about Malthouse distracting us over the team's bad form. Work it out.

5. The Collingwood Football Club and its fat president needs more media exposure.

My Jeff Kennett Letter In Saturday's Age

kennett, originally uploaded by glennpeters.

Enough said.

The Poos & Wees to be Jeffed

For Jeff Kennett to be President of the Hawthorn Football Club and also head of a depression organisation would surely be a conflict of interest.

Kennett's commandos - News - www.realfooty.com.au

What You Didn't Read In The Papers: Buckley Wanted Tarrant Dragged

There was a lot of talk in the papers and radio last week about Chris Tarrant's trip to Byron Bay and his pathetic efforts during Friday's loss to Essendon.

But nobody noticed the bigger story.

During the game Nathan Buckley reacted to one of Tazza's piss-poor efforts by yelling out to the bench from 50 meters away, demanding they "FARKING DRAG TARRANT!"

But why didn't the cameras or radio boundary riders catch future Captain/Coach Nathan Buckley's outrage?

Word is, from a trusted mate who was sitting behind the bench, Bucks went on with this for over a minute and that shocked fans even applauded Buckley's display.

David Fanning Basketball Myth Debunked or What is it With Me and Pies' Players' Families?

After the game at a mate's house we were talking about our bemusing loss to Essendon. I was telling those not bored enough to listen that at the game a well dressed but dangerous looking bloke behind us was going overthetop to weirdo-like gaga over David Fanning's previous basketball career.

He didn't like reports that the young ruckman was new to footy and some rumours that he only learnt to kick a footy a year or two ago. Anyway, the thug received the friendly tap on the shoulder and end of story. But why was he so mad about a seven gamer? Who knows.

Two minutes, yes 120 seconds after telling the story in walks in a housemate and his girlfriend.

Get this.

Housemate's girly turns out to be David Fanning's sister.

After getting over the co-inkydinks of my thug story I had to ask some questions.

Is the big DF so new to the game and when did he learn to kick?

No. He played footy all through primary and high school, representing the state in junior footy until he was drafted to play a couple of seasons for a pro basketball team in Qld. All through his basketball years, not a week went by without at least a game of kick to kick with mates.

He loves and always has loved footy.

MYTH BUSTED!

Pies Finished. Newsagents Sell Out of Red Textas

Killed again by the Brisbane Bears. Only a few of our players stood up, namely Burns, Licca, Clement, and Johnson. Brodie Holland played well but gave me the shits for most of the night. Can't remember why but I do remember yelling, "Brodie, you fuckwit!" quite a lot at the TV screen.

Chris Tarrant wasn't interested.

Leon Davis is fat and was hopeless.

Wakes was lost (Like he has for the past month).

Lonie's finished at the Pies.

Because they thought they would be upstaged, nobody wanted to kick to Travis Cloke.

Brisbane were tough and brilliant, and shot our youngsters to pieces. There's no doubt they'll be playing the Grand Final with West Coast this year and I reckons they will shit it in. Brisbane by 32 points.

Cameron Cloke's Girlfriend?

I don't get it.

Because I'm real nerded up, I can see how you came to arrive at this website. Most of you are friends, some come from Corkintheocean and others come from the AFL ring thingy down the bottom of the page. If you came here through a Google or Yahoo search I can also see what you were looking for to get here.

Here's the weird bit.

Quite a few of you have come here because you are on a search for "Cameron Cloke's girlfriend." Why, what on Lulie Street could you be doing searching for Cameron Cloke's girlfriend? Is she running for parliament? Does she owe some of you money?

Freaks.

More Larynx Problems at Port

Get this. Mick Malthouse has a deep throat. No, not that kind. While he was preparing for last Friday night's Port caning, a couple of ex or current Port officials came through with the classified information that last year's premiers are, wait for it, soft. D-farkin-uh!

Had to laugh at/with/near today's Adelaide Advertiser article by Michelangelo Rucci with the subtle headline, Soft, Arrogant and Weak.

Here's the best bits...

"WARNING: If you cannot stomach a cutting analysis formed by wise men, on the outside looking in at the Port Adelaide Football Club, do not read on.

Right, that will take care of many Power players . . . sadly.

Here begins a picture of a Port Adelaide football team that is regarded as arrogant, too easily satisfied with only one AFL premiership, motivated only when its liver is bursting with annoyance at being known as "chokers" . . . and now is seen as "mentally weak".

So annoying about Port is that its players know the problem. Repeatedly at their own meetings they have hit on the fact - as if it is the secret to life - that if they do not play, as they put it, "hard, competitive" football, they are losers. And yet when Collingwood put that theory to the torch on Friday night, most Port players wanted to get back to their hotel rooms to hide under the blankets."

AFL Season 2005, VOID

We were robbed of 14 seconds from the last quarter of Saturday night's game against Sydney.

It's not nearly enough to suspend the timekeepers involved in the game.

The game should be VOIDED and called a draw or replayed. The least that should happen is the final quarter be replayed later this week.

Until either of these solutions, I am not going to acknowlege Season 2005 ever happened.

Official Full story via CFC's website.

Half Yearly Report, Part 1

Nathan Buckley
Nathan must listen more to the team nurse. If his leg hurts he should go straight to the sickbay. Unfortunately his insolence affected the whole team when he had to have a nasty operation.

Scott Burns
As one of the older prefects, Scotty must learn to set a good example to the kiddies in the team. Only three best on grounds is not good enough. Must try harder or Mr Malthouse promises more canings.

Blake Caracella
Already a popular class member, Blake has fit in well into his new school. Good hygiene and straight kicking has ensured a high pass for the first half of the year.

James Clement
As fill-in School Captain, Master Clement has been a master of the unforgiving art of playing down back. Excellent work, James!

Cameron Cloke
Cameron is coping fairly well with the dominance of his younger brother. He's matured since last year's tongue incident.

Jason Cloke
Jason, however is struggling to come to terms with being known as the dud Cloke. Don't worry, some of the older teachers remember his efforts in playing loose, down back, way back in 2002. How far back? Have you got a car?

Travis Cloke
His marks do the talking. Kicking A+, Marking A, Contesting A+, Presence A+, Goal kicking A+, Hygiene B-.

Richard Cole
Richard is still in detention from his ANZAC Day non performance..

Tom Davidson
Will Tommy please return to class immediately?

Leon Davis
Dear Mr and Mrs Davis. Since our parent teacher evening a couple of years back, i have always been fair o your son. We'll keep it a that, okay.

Alan Didak
Alan's marks are improving each week. We're glad he's enjoying his after school tuition with Mr Daicos.

Chris Egan
Chris is a popular member of class. That's all.

Josh Fraser
While he sets a top example to the younger children, Josh is struggling to keep up with the set work. His form should improve.

Brodie Holland
Brodie's not as easily distracted as previous. While he still annoys the poo-bits out of the opposition, he is managing to get more of the footy and is doing a whole lot more with it.

Adam Iacobucci
I met John Box, the bloke who wrote The Age jingle with Iacobucci and Presti's names in it. He also wrote the Hard Yakka jingle. Now, that's a song.

Ben Johnson
Benny's season hasn't been as spectacular as last year. Solid, nonetheless.

David King
Rhymes with...

Paul Licuria
Licca is in the top 5 in the whole league for possessions and not one of those have come easily. Also he is a shoe in to win this year's inter-school Heads Down, Thumbs Up competition. Keep up the good work, Paul!

Tarkyn Lockyer
Like Alan, Tarkyn is starting to achieve some of his early career form and like Alan, Tarkyn gets teased a lot by his classmate because of his stupid first name.

Matthew Lokan
Even if his mum filled out a permission note, we wouldn't let Matthew come on an excursion.

Ryan Lonie
The kids tease poor Ryan with this little song. "Ryan Lonie, runs like a pony, plays like a phony, he can't play. Ryan Lonie, runs like a pony, plays like a phony, he is gay." Out of the mouths of babes.....

A Nice Pear

Forget what I've said previously. Crack open the coconuts, prepare the punch, we're back on track. We can make the eight. We are in control. Wowee zowee, yippee flippin' doo! Two freakin' huge, spiky-but-sweet pineapple wins IN A ROW.

First, the hard as unripe apples win over West Coast. I can't say too much about that one only that the walk from the MCG to The London was a bit like, "And Egan picks up the ball one handed and looks for a pass to give out and sees Egan! Egan takes the mark and handballs to Egan! LET'S ALL BE EGAN!" Yes, it was one of those wins.

And to beat the poos and wees in a game like Saturday's. Lordy, lordy, hand me some more of those cherries, I'm excited!

Another apple hard win, so hard, none of our alleged Hawthorn annoyances bothered to turn up to the pub after the game. Sour perhaps? We will never know.

How did Collingwood do it? Other than hard and down the guts it was thanks to some of the players I've bagged in previous posts like Alan Didak who put in top games. Shane O'Bree is the biggie. What a turnaround. He has always been fairly good at kicking to our forwards but in the past fortnight....

Warning. Modern tactic analytical brain bananas to follow.
No really. How hard can it be to kick the football inside 50 meters? Let's look closely at it. Most, if not all players can kick 45 to 50 meters. That covers all and a bit of the center square. Now seeing that forwards prefer the ball to come quickly and don't care if it comes higgley piggely AND there's usually there's only two or three hungry forwards inside the AAARRK (RIP Gra Gra), leading each and every way, there shouldn't be an excuse to not ever kick inside 50. Just bomb it down there. Drop the strawberries in there, cos' Tazza wants another smoothie.

Both weeks, it was our backline who should be given a taste of the big melon for their efforts in squeezing their opponents to mushy pulp. Presti, Wakes and James Clement. The most reliable three-piece since pre Dave Lane/You Am I?

Brilliant.


The love in this post is dedicated to Danielle and Chris.

AFL Footy Tipping Tips for the Non-Collingwood Supporter.

Now in Powerpoint Friendly, Point Form!

First, let's get this straight. While football and the Collingwood FC are two of my several obsessions, I find footy tipping and all talk about tips incredibly nauseating. Wanna make me yawn? Tell me how you only picked four this week, that last week you picked only two and that the girl winning the tips doesn't know anything about footy, she just gets her blah blah blah, bloody blah. Only “You wouldn't believe what I dreamed last night,” and “Did you watch the Footy Show on Thursday?” rival tips talk for murder-inspiring tedium.

I'll never forget in 2002 when we beat the Brisbane Bears at the Docklands Stadium & Convention Center in one of the most stunning games I've ever been to. That's a lot of games, somewhere between 7 and 12,300. Had to rush to a pub for a party straight after the game. It was an 80's theme party. Terrific. I walk in with footy jumper still on and a smile as big as Egypt. Immediately and for most of the night, dressed up party goers are staring at me as if I was some kind of rare lizard, only because I was wearing the colours. And they were wearing stonewash and taffeta. Sure, not too different than their usual get up but really...

An office blockish looking woman on an important administration mission pushes herself into my face. When I say "in my face" don't think Delvene Delaney, think more 'Not happy Jan,' lady. She was aggressive.

“Did you go to the game?”
“Yeah, it was unreal.”
“Who won?”
“Collingwo....”
“SHIT!! I ONLY TIPPED 3!”

She barges past me and announces to her colleagues, “Basically, Barry's gonna win the tips again this year!” Lovely behavior from a grown up lady.

Anyway, to the footy tips tips. You'll notice to make this document feel like it fits in with all the other rubbish on your desk, I've arranged my advice in bullet-point form.

• Don't ever tip against your team. Especially if they are playing against Collingwood.

• Tip against Collingwood only when they are playing at Subiaco, Football Park, The Docklands, the Gabba, Sydney or the MCG.

• Don't ever listen to a word I say.

• When in doubt, go back in time. If it was 1984 Footscray and Fitzroy would beat St Kilda, and Fremantle would be a nice place to go sailing.

• Don't put too much importance on the office tipping competition. What if you were made redundant while you were leading the tipping? How embarrassing would it be if on the Tuesday you were escorted off the premises by security and then on the Friday you had to sneak in to hand in your tips?

• If you think you are going to be made redundant later in the year, volunteer to organise the football tipping. Nobody will want to sack you if they think they're going to be lumped with the job entering the scores each week.

• Here's a tip. Get a haircut.

• Casual dress day = Get your tips in day.

• Think, what would Jesus do?

• Don't ever talk to me about your footy tips.

Call Me Doctor Peters

In his column on the Fox website, Mick Malthouse admits, "At the second bounce, Josh Fraser hobbled away with a knee injury."

Remember what I said about Fraser's return? "A wack on a pussy sore during a ruck duel would be quite unpleasant."

Nurse, send the next patient in and cancel the rest of today's appointments. I need a lie down.

Lifestyles Of The Bleedingly Obvious

Our fat president sold Collingwood's soul by moving to Richmond and over the next few months we'll have to endure much more embarrassment like this article from Crikey..

"No doubt the big end of town is impressed with the swank new Lexus Centre facilities, and the club’s new MCG corporate facilities from 2006 will be something to shout about, but what about actually winning a game of football?

"Where are we as a club? We're very strong financially, we've built ourselves into world quality brand, we've got the best facilities possible, and now we have to make sure we get the best possible team out there. People say that means nothing if you're not winning games, well it means everything,” McGuire says defensively. Yet here’s the club, into its seventh season under his presidency, and he’s still talking up the brand as somehow just as vital as winning games of football – except they can’t! And how do you build a brand with also-rans? Try telling the Magpie fan in the outer that Collingwood is all the better for being a great place for the well-heeled and corporate to entertain their mates."

Crikey Website - A dirty weekend for AFL heavyweights

That's Right, Blame Scott Burns

Mick Malthouse put much blame on Scott Burns for our record 112,786 point loss against the W.A Anchors yesterday.

"We will sit down in the cold light of day and we'll analyse exactly how the game went and how the senior players went. Believe me, Scott Burns and Chad Morrison are under enormous pressure to hold their place. It's not a matter of possessions, particularly when you get beaten by a 130 possessions."

This was not the first time Malthouse put blame on the veteran midfielder. Earlier this year he put Burns' current mediocre form as one of the big roadblocks to Somalia's peace process and that Burns was really the one to blame over Channel 9's poor performance in this year's rating figures.

In his usual calm manner, Burns shrugged off Malthouse's finger pointing. “Sure, I've struggled to play four quarters in a row of good footy but me an Licca both agree Our Place pales in comparison to Burke's Backyard.”

“That Don Burke is a legend. If he doesn't line up on the half forward line for us against Richmond next week, maybe me, Licca and Don can fly up to Somalia and have a word to this Prime Minister Ali Gedi joker.”