A Nice Pear

Forget what I've said previously. Crack open the coconuts, prepare the punch, we're back on track. We can make the eight. We are in control. Wowee zowee, yippee flippin' doo! Two freakin' huge, spiky-but-sweet pineapple wins IN A ROW.

First, the hard as unripe apples win over West Coast. I can't say too much about that one only that the walk from the MCG to The London was a bit like, "And Egan picks up the ball one handed and looks for a pass to give out and sees Egan! Egan takes the mark and handballs to Egan! LET'S ALL BE EGAN!" Yes, it was one of those wins.

And to beat the poos and wees in a game like Saturday's. Lordy, lordy, hand me some more of those cherries, I'm excited!

Another apple hard win, so hard, none of our alleged Hawthorn annoyances bothered to turn up to the pub after the game. Sour perhaps? We will never know.

How did Collingwood do it? Other than hard and down the guts it was thanks to some of the players I've bagged in previous posts like Alan Didak who put in top games. Shane O'Bree is the biggie. What a turnaround. He has always been fairly good at kicking to our forwards but in the past fortnight....

Warning. Modern tactic analytical brain bananas to follow.
No really. How hard can it be to kick the football inside 50 meters? Let's look closely at it. Most, if not all players can kick 45 to 50 meters. That covers all and a bit of the center square. Now seeing that forwards prefer the ball to come quickly and don't care if it comes higgley piggely AND there's usually there's only two or three hungry forwards inside the AAARRK (RIP Gra Gra), leading each and every way, there shouldn't be an excuse to not ever kick inside 50. Just bomb it down there. Drop the strawberries in there, cos' Tazza wants another smoothie.

Both weeks, it was our backline who should be given a taste of the big melon for their efforts in squeezing their opponents to mushy pulp. Presti, Wakes and James Clement. The most reliable three-piece since pre Dave Lane/You Am I?

Brilliant.


The love in this post is dedicated to Danielle and Chris.

AFL Footy Tipping Tips for the Non-Collingwood Supporter.

Now in Powerpoint Friendly, Point Form!

First, let's get this straight. While football and the Collingwood FC are two of my several obsessions, I find footy tipping and all talk about tips incredibly nauseating. Wanna make me yawn? Tell me how you only picked four this week, that last week you picked only two and that the girl winning the tips doesn't know anything about footy, she just gets her blah blah blah, bloody blah. Only “You wouldn't believe what I dreamed last night,” and “Did you watch the Footy Show on Thursday?” rival tips talk for murder-inspiring tedium.

I'll never forget in 2002 when we beat the Brisbane Bears at the Docklands Stadium & Convention Center in one of the most stunning games I've ever been to. That's a lot of games, somewhere between 7 and 12,300. Had to rush to a pub for a party straight after the game. It was an 80's theme party. Terrific. I walk in with footy jumper still on and a smile as big as Egypt. Immediately and for most of the night, dressed up party goers are staring at me as if I was some kind of rare lizard, only because I was wearing the colours. And they were wearing stonewash and taffeta. Sure, not too different than their usual get up but really...

An office blockish looking woman on an important administration mission pushes herself into my face. When I say "in my face" don't think Delvene Delaney, think more 'Not happy Jan,' lady. She was aggressive.

“Did you go to the game?”
“Yeah, it was unreal.”
“Who won?”
“Collingwo....”
“SHIT!! I ONLY TIPPED 3!”

She barges past me and announces to her colleagues, “Basically, Barry's gonna win the tips again this year!” Lovely behavior from a grown up lady.

Anyway, to the footy tips tips. You'll notice to make this document feel like it fits in with all the other rubbish on your desk, I've arranged my advice in bullet-point form.

• Don't ever tip against your team. Especially if they are playing against Collingwood.

• Tip against Collingwood only when they are playing at Subiaco, Football Park, The Docklands, the Gabba, Sydney or the MCG.

• Don't ever listen to a word I say.

• When in doubt, go back in time. If it was 1984 Footscray and Fitzroy would beat St Kilda, and Fremantle would be a nice place to go sailing.

• Don't put too much importance on the office tipping competition. What if you were made redundant while you were leading the tipping? How embarrassing would it be if on the Tuesday you were escorted off the premises by security and then on the Friday you had to sneak in to hand in your tips?

• If you think you are going to be made redundant later in the year, volunteer to organise the football tipping. Nobody will want to sack you if they think they're going to be lumped with the job entering the scores each week.

• Here's a tip. Get a haircut.

• Casual dress day = Get your tips in day.

• Think, what would Jesus do?

• Don't ever talk to me about your footy tips.

Call Me Doctor Peters

In his column on the Fox website, Mick Malthouse admits, "At the second bounce, Josh Fraser hobbled away with a knee injury."

Remember what I said about Fraser's return? "A wack on a pussy sore during a ruck duel would be quite unpleasant."

Nurse, send the next patient in and cancel the rest of today's appointments. I need a lie down.

Lifestyles Of The Bleedingly Obvious

Our fat president sold Collingwood's soul by moving to Richmond and over the next few months we'll have to endure much more embarrassment like this article from Crikey..

"No doubt the big end of town is impressed with the swank new Lexus Centre facilities, and the club’s new MCG corporate facilities from 2006 will be something to shout about, but what about actually winning a game of football?

"Where are we as a club? We're very strong financially, we've built ourselves into world quality brand, we've got the best facilities possible, and now we have to make sure we get the best possible team out there. People say that means nothing if you're not winning games, well it means everything,” McGuire says defensively. Yet here’s the club, into its seventh season under his presidency, and he’s still talking up the brand as somehow just as vital as winning games of football – except they can’t! And how do you build a brand with also-rans? Try telling the Magpie fan in the outer that Collingwood is all the better for being a great place for the well-heeled and corporate to entertain their mates."

Crikey Website - A dirty weekend for AFL heavyweights

That's Right, Blame Scott Burns

Mick Malthouse put much blame on Scott Burns for our record 112,786 point loss against the W.A Anchors yesterday.

"We will sit down in the cold light of day and we'll analyse exactly how the game went and how the senior players went. Believe me, Scott Burns and Chad Morrison are under enormous pressure to hold their place. It's not a matter of possessions, particularly when you get beaten by a 130 possessions."

This was not the first time Malthouse put blame on the veteran midfielder. Earlier this year he put Burns' current mediocre form as one of the big roadblocks to Somalia's peace process and that Burns was really the one to blame over Channel 9's poor performance in this year's rating figures.

In his usual calm manner, Burns shrugged off Malthouse's finger pointing. “Sure, I've struggled to play four quarters in a row of good footy but me an Licca both agree Our Place pales in comparison to Burke's Backyard.”

“That Don Burke is a legend. If he doesn't line up on the half forward line for us against Richmond next week, maybe me, Licca and Don can fly up to Somalia and have a word to this Prime Minister Ali Gedi joker.”

Are We That Inept?

As I predicted yesterday, Jonathan Brown refused our fat president's fat money (double what he's earning) offer to join the club.

Brown told radio station, SEN that he couldn't see himself leaving the club he grew up supporting.

"The money's great but I still get paid reasonably well from the Lions and at the end of the day I think job satisfaction is the No. 1 priority and I just love it up here.

Call it loyalty, call it what you want, but I suppose I've got people up here who I'm really tight with. We've made a lot of great bonds over the last few years and I've got people in my corner I trust.

The lifestyle up here is great, myself and my girlfriend are pretty settled down and I've got a lot of things I still want to achieve in Brisbane itself, with this club.

At the end of the day I want to be getting paid reasonably well but at the same time I want to be able to play in a successful side."

"Job satisfaction...loyalty....people in my corner I trust....I want to be able to play in a successful side." When is fat president going to realise that the money and Footy Show cards aren't the only ones to play when trying to win a champion over to the club?

Imagine what was going through Brown's mind when the president and Greg Swann approached him in Queensland last week. On seeing the suits (without the coach) approach he must have thought they were playing out a scene from The Club.

Ah.. The Club. The movie that keeps on giving.

Full Herald Sun article

As If

So we've made a bid on Brisbane's next captain, Jonathan Brown. According to The Age, our fat president and our chief executive donned their safari suits and flew to Brisbane to offer him a $3 million contract.

Get this: "Over lunch, McGuire is believed to have enthused also about Brown's potential as a media performer and indicated Channel Nine's The Footy Show, along with other marketing and media opportunities, loomed larger in Melbourne than in Brisbane."

Now, which hat was our fat president wearing this time?

"Pies seek Brown - News - www.realfooty.com.au

Dreaming Mathematical: Collingwood Can Still Make the Eight

That’s how desperate we’ve become. We’re stuffed and our woe has little to do with injuries.

Shane Woewodin, Matthew Lokan, Ryan Lonie, Dane Swan, David King, Guy Richards and Andrew Williams played in the magoos for Williamstown this week. Why? Because they weren’t good enough to play for the ones. In this list there’s Brownlow winners, bloke who’ve played in Grand Finals, and one who’s lucky not to be in jail.

If they’re not good enough to play, why are they on our list? Sure, you have to give young blokes- Julian Rowe (top game), Nick Maxwell (top game), Travis Cloke (a Cloke who can kick!) and Iacobucci (wasn’t he the camel in Wonder Twins?)- a go but this is a group of seven players. Our injury list consists of six which means a third of our senior list is injured or can’t play.

We were listless, so much so I struggled to stay awake in the last quarter. Lovely day, too much beer and a comfy seat make Glenn a dozy boy. At one point I nodded off and my head fell on the shoulder of the bloke sitting next to me. It was Shane O’Bree.

Shouldn’t you be on the ground?

To answer, the Pies on-baller broke out in song.

“Just a perfect day,
drink sangria in a park,
and then later,
when it gets dark we go home.”

If only it was a dream.