AFL Footy Tipping Tips for the Non-Collingwood Supporter.

Now in Powerpoint Friendly, Point Form!

First, let's get this straight. While football and the Collingwood FC are two of my several obsessions, I find footy tipping and all talk about tips incredibly nauseating. Wanna make me yawn? Tell me how you only picked four this week, that last week you picked only two and that the girl winning the tips doesn't know anything about footy, she just gets her blah blah blah, bloody blah. Only “You wouldn't believe what I dreamed last night,” and “Did you watch the Footy Show on Thursday?” rival tips talk for murder-inspiring tedium.

I'll never forget in 2002 when we beat the Brisbane Bears at the Docklands Stadium & Convention Center in one of the most stunning games I've ever been to. That's a lot of games, somewhere between 7 and 12,300. Had to rush to a pub for a party straight after the game. It was an 80's theme party. Terrific. I walk in with footy jumper still on and a smile as big as Egypt. Immediately and for most of the night, dressed up party goers are staring at me as if I was some kind of rare lizard, only because I was wearing the colours. And they were wearing stonewash and taffeta. Sure, not too different than their usual get up but really...

An office blockish looking woman on an important administration mission pushes herself into my face. When I say "in my face" don't think Delvene Delaney, think more 'Not happy Jan,' lady. She was aggressive.

“Did you go to the game?”
“Yeah, it was unreal.”
“Who won?”
“Collingwo....”
“SHIT!! I ONLY TIPPED 3!”

She barges past me and announces to her colleagues, “Basically, Barry's gonna win the tips again this year!” Lovely behavior from a grown up lady.

Anyway, to the footy tips tips. You'll notice to make this document feel like it fits in with all the other rubbish on your desk, I've arranged my advice in bullet-point form.

• Don't ever tip against your team. Especially if they are playing against Collingwood.

• Tip against Collingwood only when they are playing at Subiaco, Football Park, The Docklands, the Gabba, Sydney or the MCG.

• Don't ever listen to a word I say.

• When in doubt, go back in time. If it was 1984 Footscray and Fitzroy would beat St Kilda, and Fremantle would be a nice place to go sailing.

• Don't put too much importance on the office tipping competition. What if you were made redundant while you were leading the tipping? How embarrassing would it be if on the Tuesday you were escorted off the premises by security and then on the Friday you had to sneak in to hand in your tips?

• If you think you are going to be made redundant later in the year, volunteer to organise the football tipping. Nobody will want to sack you if they think they're going to be lumped with the job entering the scores each week.

• Here's a tip. Get a haircut.

• Casual dress day = Get your tips in day.

• Think, what would Jesus do?

• Don't ever talk to me about your footy tips.